Canada's online magazine: Politics, entertainment, technology, media, arts, books: backofthebook.ca

Politics, tech, media, culture and more, from a Canadian point-of-view

  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Science and Tech
  • Living
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
You are here: Home / Living / The Great Pumpkin Toss

The Great Pumpkin Toss

10/29/2013 by backofthebook.ca 1 Comment

smashed pumpkinBy Rachelle Stein-Wotten

I have a Halloween confession: I dislike carving pumpkins. The jack-o’-lantern does not cast its haunting glow at my place of residence, and it’s not because the seedy, sticky innards make a mess or because cutting into the top of a pumpkin is a pain in the ass. I abstain from the act of carving for the scariest holiday of the year because I’m terrible at pumpkin carving.

If I, an adult, carved a pumpkin now, you know what I would carve? The moon. It would just be a big ol’ circle. And that circle would probably be jagged.

Unfortunately, once you are old enough to have a fully-formed brain, people expect a little more of your pumpkin than triangle eyes and gap-toothed grin. They expect something spectacular – spooktacular, if you will; for example, a sinister haunted house with ghosts floating above the roof, or the face of Frankenstein’s monster, or a cat with its hair standing on end, freaking-the-shit-out, presumably because it saw a ghost or something else frightening, or maybe just a leaf flickering in the wind. Cats are weird.

The goal is to create the most impressive jack-o’-lantern on your block, then bask in the wonder and awe of trick-or-treaters and party guests. When your pumpkin looks like a nine-year old created it, nobody is impressed, especially not the nine-year old.

My heart goes out to pathetic pumpkin-carving parents who have to deal with their kids pressuring them to create something fantastic. Come on, kids, isn’t it enough that your parents spent $5 on an inedible pumpkin?

For my part, I’ve come up with a solution to my carving deficiencies, which allows me to enjoy the Big Spook. I call it The Great Pumpkin Toss.

The G.P. Toss – not to be confused with tossing your family doctor – began in 2009. Here’s the official instructional guide for Smashing Pumpkins albumthe Great Pumpkin Toss, which my family and I adhere to every year:

1. Get a pumpkin.

2. Put it in the vicinity of your door so the mail carrier and the Jehovah’s Witnesses can see it.

3. Let it sit for a month.

4. During that month, stare at it, admire its warm orange glow, marvel at its non-rotting glory. Do not carve it, or degrade it by adding sticker faces or drawing designs on its skin.

5. A few days after American Thanksgiving, the unofficial end of autumn, pick the pumpkin up and ceremoniously carry it to your backyard compost pile, or take it to a nice hill, or perhaps a ravine.

6. Raise the pumpkin up high.

7. Give a great big heave and toss that squash (remember to bend at the knees).

Now your pumpkin will spend the next month happily rotting, commingling with other rotting things, and nourishing those still living. And you, inept carver, will never have to be embarrassed by your pathetic jack-o’-lantern ever again.

Happy Big Spook!

Filed Under: Living Tagged With: family, holidays

Subscribe to BoB by e-mail or RSS

Comments

  1. Alexandria Stuart says

    10/29/2013 at 9:17 pm

    As much as I love my son’s Sharpie-enhanced approach to pumpkin carving, your way sounds like more fun.
    http://www.randomactsofgabriel.tumblr.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Google+
  • Living
  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
Fire sale sign

Fort McMurray: Shopping time!

By Brady Tighe We’re now officially in the aftermath phase of the northern Alberta wildfire crisis. The fire is long gone, and everyone with a home to return to is back in its … [Read More...]

Nathan Cullen

Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking

By Alison@Creekside The most interesting and innovative idea to come out of the first meeting of the all-party Special Committee on Electoral Reform, or ERRE, was Nathan Cullen's suggestion, … [Read More...]

Trudeau on quantum computing

The Trudeau gush fest is getting old

By Jim Henshaw There have been several bewildered as well as angry accounts coming out of the USA lately about how little media time has been spent covering the Democratic Presidential Primary … [Read More...]

Rick Meyers in Nanaimo Pride Parade

My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade

By Frank Moher On this dreadful day, I don't want to write about the shootings in Orlando. I want to write about my friend, Rick. Rick lives just outside of Nanaimo, a city of about 80,000, … [Read More...]

Stephen Colbert on Late Night set

Triumph of the drama nerds

By Frank Moher Two drama nerds have recently moved into high profile positions. Before I name them (or perhaps you’ve already guessed who they are; or perhaps you’d like to scroll down and look at … [Read More...]

From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon

Originally published on Our Rape Blog, the author's account of the aftermath of a violent sexual assault. By Mary Fraughton Have you ever played Hearts? It’s a card game. For our purposes, … [Read More...]

First Nations defending Lelu Island

The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

From Creekside: The B.C. provincial government is trying to green light the construction of a massive LNG terminal on Lelu Island in the Skeena Estuary -- Pacific Northwest LNG, backed by Malaysian … [Read More...]

Google

Follow Us!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter

RSS CBC News



Recent Posts

  • Fort McMurray: Shopping time!
  • From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon
  • Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking
  • The fish hotel
  • Hatred on an Alberta golf course
  • The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”
  • My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade
  • Our selective sympathy
  • The Water Bomber, The Frogman and The Great Canadian Novelist
  • Komagata Maru: The story behind the apology

Tags

9/11 Afghanistan Alberta bad behaviour books British Columbia business Canada Canadian military Canadian politics CBC celebrity computers Conservatives crime environment family film G20 Globe and Mail internet Jason Kenney journalism Justin Trudeau law Liberals Maclean's music National Post NDP newspapers oil sands online media Ontario Quebec RCMP religion sports Stephen Harper television theatre Toronto U.S. Vancouver women

Archives

The Video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

Pages

  • About
  • Privacy

Copyright © 2023 · News Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in