On Jan. 28th, Stephen Harper took a break from using the Internet for the purpose of helping all machines become sentient and thus beginning the robot revolution, in order to take to Twitter and post some pictures of a day in the life of Stephen “I Swear I’m Not A Robot — See, Look at Me Do Human Stuff” Harper.
It turns out that Harps has a bit of a PR problem amongst you common folk. A lot of people have a hard time relating to Harps . . . probably because you’re human beings, while he was built in a factory with the sole intent of enslaving the human race. Or, you know, because he’s a bit “stiff.”
So, what better way to show a softer side of Harps than post some pictures of him running the Harper Government? Because that will help people relate to you, Guy Who Has an Entire Government Named After Him.
Now, most of the pictures were pretty basic. Harps sitting at his desk. Harps walking places. Some more of him sitting at a desk. You know, fun things like you and I do!
However, one of my favourites is a picture of Harps sitting at a breakfast table with his cat, with the caption: “Had breakfast with Stanley.” But there seems to be a complete lack of food in this photo. You could look at it and assume that Harps had already finished his breakfast, and the table had been cleared . . . or, you can think deeper (like I did) and wonder: Are they trying to hide something from us? Perhaps the fact that, instead of food, Harps drinks a gallon of oil for breakfast?
Another of my favourites shows Harps watching a young intern carry some heavy boxes through the lobby of Parliament. The caption reads, “The lobby is always a busy place!” Now, is Harps not helping this young man carry the boxes because it is this young man’s responsibility as an intern to do such tasks, and, by not helping, Harps is teaching him responsibility? Or has the enslavement of the human race already begun, and Harps is making sure that this human slave does his work – as any good robot overlord would do.
And lastly, there’s a sole picture of Harps smiling, with a caption that reads: “Still going . . .” Sure, perhaps this is Harps saying that even after a long day of running the country, he can still smile like the rest of us. Or is this a picture of a robot happy that his batteries are still running after a long day indoors, with no solar energy to recharge them? Do I need to remind you what the slogan for Energizer Batteries is: “Keeps going and going . . .”
Now, I know some of you are going to label me a conspiracy theorist (when, in fact, the only type of theorist I am is a String Theorist . . . I spend a lot of time theorizing about String . . . for example, where does it come from?). But let me put it to you like this: Where are the pictures of Harps sleeping?
Answer that question, Harps. A day in your life doesn’t include going to bed? Who doesn’t go to bed after a long day of running a country? Oh, that’s right . . . robots don’t.
Because robots never have to sleep. And that’s what makes them such a terrifying enemy. Because while we humans need to sleep all the time (I for one need a solid 12 hours, or I’m a real son-of-a-bitch), robots just keep going, and going, and going, and going.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.