By Rachel Krueger
I love me some bias and hyperbole, which is why I’m such a fan of Fox News. JUST jokes! I like my nonsensical news sources to be a little more upfront about their nonsensicalness (all of whom are, I’m sure, rubbing their hands in unfettered glee at this newsy tidbit). But I may have to start tuning in to ye olde Foxe now that former Governor of Alaska, one-time VP candidate, and all-around soccer-mommy winkster Sarah Palin is gracing the newsdesk.
That’s right, Her Lipstick-Wearing-Pitbullness is returning to the public eye. (Being Alaska’s governor doesn’t count. They may get our news, but we sure don’t get theirs.) In a move that hearkens back to her mid-election-run accusations against the great big media meanies, La Palin has stepped down partway through her term as governor due to a barrage of ethics lawsuits that she claims are draining her of “her ability to govern” (by which she means “of teh moneys”), in favor of “serving the public” outside of the political playground.
If Palin can’t handle the heat, it’s probably for the best that she abandon the lonely, frozen ship that is Alaska (if you will pardon a ridiculously mixed metaphor). And if she’s stepping down as Gov to spend more time with her young son who has Downs Syndrome and her teenage-mama-daughter (and mebbe her other three kids, who are probably just as needy but make for less spectacularly inflammatory headlines), I would have taken that. Hell, even if that weren’t the truth, it’d sound a thousand times more realistic AND altruistic than her claim that she’s taking this higher-profile, higher-paying, fewer-hours-working job to “serve the public.” Although, to be fair, I am going to go serve the public by becoming champion of the World Poker Tournament. Just so we’re transparent about my motives.
She is sure going to serve Fox News’s ratings, anyways. Senior VP of Programming Bill Shine is quoted as saying “Governor Palin has captivated everyone on both sides of the political spectrum,” which FOR ONCE is totally true, if by “captivated” you mean “amused and annoyed in equal measure.” I doubt it’ll last, but for now Palin is an attention-getting-magnet. An entire generation of pop-culture bloggers and late-night talk-show writers will be tuning in regularly to see what fresh inanity they can poke fun at. If this was an attempt to escape the scrutiny of Alaska, Palin seems to have overlooked the long (ok, at least a year) memory of the news-hounding public. I’m surprised her own memory doesn’t extend back to that time her new employer outed her for not knowing that Africa is a continent.
But she wasn’t hired for being world-savvy. Palin may have had a tenuous and mavericky grasp of geography, and when asked what newspapers she reads may have come back with the dubiously true if ambitious reply of “All of them, any of them.” She may have had only a loose working knowledge, not only of domestic or international policy, but the word “policy” itself. But no one flung jingoistic phrases like “job creation” and “shoring up the economy” with such verve and fanaticism.
So bring back Joe Sixpack! Bring back the oddly unsettling winks! Bring back Tina Fey in her Palin wig! Let the “fair and balanced” commentating begin!