By Nathaniel Moher
All right, guys, I’ve spent a long time trying to save the world, and let’s be honest, we’ve probably lost that battle. So, in this edition of Nathaniel Moher’s Guide to Saving the World, I’m switching my focus from saving the world to saving space. Or, more specifically, the space program . . . because, seriously, we need to get off this planet (and by “we”, I mean “we . . . wealthy and educated people who deserve a second chance”).
Now, I have a ton of ideas as to how we can save the space program and get us off this God-forsaken planet. (God, on the other hand, has not forsaken space yet . . . He still thinks space is his coolest invention. And I mean, it totally is. There’s a planet that is just a giant diamond! That alone is one good reason to save the space program. Actually . . . forget you just read that.)
Idea 1: There is a planet that is just a huge diamond! Think about that. If we can build a spaceship that can make it to the diamond planet, we’ll have made more than enough money from the sale of the giant diamond to fund the space program for years to come.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking, “But Natty, if we find a diamond that big, the value of diamonds will drop, and we won’t make that much money selling that diamond planet!”
Well, as usual, that’s a stupid thing to think (you guys always have the stupidest thoughts, that I always have the best rebuttal for . . . it’s like I write them for you, just so I can rebut them). Why’s it stupid? Because, luckily for us, the price of diamonds is already a scam created by the diamond industry. So, even if we find a diamond that big, we’re not going to saturate the market. Because you can’t saturate a market that already sets fake prices!
Idea 2: Now, if getting a giant diamond planet isn’t a good enough idea for the Obama government to quickly defund Obamacare and shove all that money into the space program (I mean, seriously, no amount of healthcare is going to help when everyone is dying of the Earth blowing up), then I think my next idea will appeal: War with the aliens!
As we all know, aliens are real. Now all we need to do is convince everyone that the aliens are going to attack us, and therefore we need to work on making spaceships that can fight aliens (or even get to their alien planets before they get to us).
Luckily, most Americans already hate aliens coming into their country and taking their jobs. So, now we just have to get them to switch from hating Mexican aliens to hating Martian aliens, at which point they’ll be begging Obama to put their tax dollars into the space program. And then we’re on our way to Mars to “fight” the “aliens” (and then we’ll just have James Cameron fake the “Mars War” like Kubrick faked the “Moon Landing” [which, as we all know, couldn’t be shown because we found aliens there]).
Idea 3: Stop fighting so many wars and put all that money into the space program. Look, NASA’s budget is about $17.5 billion dollars a year and America spends $756.4 billion a year on the defence budget. Now, I’m no mathematician . . . but my calculator is, and it tells me that America spends $738.9 billion more per year on killing people than sending people to space. And sending people to space is way cooler than killing people . . . I assume. I’ve done neither.
Look, all I’m saying is if the United States keeps spending almost a trillion dollars a year on killing people, we’re going to need to get off this planet . . . because there are only so many people you can kill on Earth.
Also, there’s a planet that’s a HUGE diamond.
Space is awesome!
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
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