By Nathaniel Moher
I, like most of you, was surprised to learn that we have ended up living in a dystopian future where there hasn’t been a baby born in years. A time when humankind fears that this might be the end of our existence.
What was it? What led to us not having babies anymore? Was it the GMOs? Was it the over-the-counter access to Plan B? Was it the internet? (Obviously all those porn stars are using the Plan B pill – or where are all the porn babies?!) No one really knows how and why we stopped having babies, but we did.
That’s right! It is my pleasure to inform you that the first baby in years has been born! The arrival of the baby, named George, born to a lovely young couple William and Kate Cambridge, was covered by every major news network.
Obviously news like this, of the first baby being born in years, is going to get major coverage from all the news networks. Why wouldn’t it? It’s the first baby born in years –which is the only reason you’d cover the birth of a baby. Because, if it’s not the first baby born in years . . . what’s the point? I mean, it would be crazy to spend weeks covering the birth of a baby otherwise. CRAZY.
[Editor’s note: Actually, Natty, we don’t live in a dystopian future, and it wasn’t the first baby born in years.] [Journalist’s note: Sorry, come again?!] [Editor’s note: Yeah, in fact, roughly 370,000 babies are born a day.] [Journalist’s note: So . . . they weren’t covering the first baby born in years?] [Editor’s note: No.] [Journalist’s note: Oh . . . I get it.]
A NEW MESSIAH HAS BEEN BORN!
The second coming has finally happened! Christ has come back in the form of this new baby, and with that, he brings the onset of Revelations and the end of the world.
Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m terrified, because I never really believed in the first Messiah. I mean, it seemed so far-fetched – a baby born of a virgin? But with this new messiah being born – and with actual, full-on news coverage of it – we have to believe it all actually happened. The Messiah is here, and the end of the world is upon us! (I just feel bad for this William guy, because that Kate girl is pretty. It’s too bad he didn’t get to sleep with her.)
[Editor’s note: Uh, Natty … this isn’t the Messiah.] [Journalist’s note: A true Messiah will always have his doubters, buddy.] [Editor’s note: No, Natty, I mean, this baby is just a normal baby born to the Royal Family.]
Wait, so you’re telling me that this baby has achieved nothing but being born into a super-rich, pretendly powerful family? Why would we want to cover that?
I mean, there are babies out there that have actually achieved things. Like those baby geniuses, the ones that saved the world. All this baby did was be born into the right family. That seems like a massive waste of the news media’s time.
PRISM is still a thing right? Maybe cover that instead of a baby being born. Or Egypt? Real things are happening in Egypt . . . I mean, it’s not a baby being born, but it’s a democracy being born. Perhaps our time is better spent on that?
I can kind of understand why Canadian news might, briefly, mention the baby — one day he’ll probably be our king. But America?! Didn’t you guys separate from Britain for a reason? Namely, so you don’t have to pretend to be excited about stuff like this?
(However, good on you William, for getting the job done!)
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.