By Nathaniel Moher
Because I am a professional journalist, I want, in the spirit of full disclosure, to admit to my biases toward the Queen. i) I didn’t receive a diamond jubilee award. ii) I was passed over for appointment as Governor General. However, because I’m a professional, my biases will not affect my reporting in this article at all.
For some reason, that stupid Queen will be getting an additional £5 million in British tax dollars in 2013-14, for doing nothing but giving out awards to the wrong people, appointing the wrong people Governor General, and drinking tea and eating crumpets. (I don’t know what crumpets are, but I guarantee you I’d eat them for free, no questions asked. I’ll eat anything for free.)
Sorry, that was mean, I should have never said that. I’m sure the stupid Queen doesn’t only eat crumpets . . . she probably eats other weird British food as well. Perhaps bangers and mash? (I’m told “Bangers and Mash” isn’t a sexual position . . . and I’d like to apologize to my ex-girlfriend. I shouldn’t have assumed, when you told me you were having “bangers and mash” with your British friend, that you were cheating on me . . . it turns out you were just having lunch with him . . . after you two banged and mashed.)
At first, I was going to tell the British people that they should be outraged. I mean, how could the stupid Queen think she has the right to get £5 million extra in tax dollars (bringing the total from $31 million to $36 million) in this economy (thanks, Obama!)? But then I thought, this can only be good for the economy. You see, the Queen obviously has to employ a lot of people (I mean, it’s not like she’s going to make her crumpets herself), so those are some jobs right there. As well, all that cool royal stuff must create some sort of tourism, and tourism means more jobs. And more jobs means only good things for the British people.
In fact, the only way that this could be bad for the British is if, say, their government was thinking about lowering the minimum wage . . . [Editor’s Note: Actually, Natty, the UK is considering cutting the minimum wage.] [Journalist’s Note: Hahaha . . . or, you’re serious?]
All right, well, no need to get uppity yet. The UK is notoriously a welfare state. So yes, the Queen is going to be getting more of your tax dollars, and you’re going to be getting less money for the work you do. But even though Britain might lower the minimum wage, you’ll still enjoy the benefits you’re entitled to. Of course, if the UK was also planning on making cuts to welfare, things would be different. But that would be insane. What ruler would demand £5 million more per year for themselves, while the wages and benefits of her people are being cut? [Editor’s Note: Actually, Natty, the UK government has already started cutting welfare benefits.] [Journalists Note: You’ve got to be shitting me?!]
All right, UK citizens, perhaps it is time to get a little uppity. I mean, maybe the £36 million per year of tax dollars that go to the Royal Family would better used to subsidize an increase in your minimum wage, or even create jobs. Or, in lieu of creating jobs, provide benefits to those who can’t find jobs at a reduced minimum wage.
But, you know, on the other hand, the stupid Queen needs her bangers and mash.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
