The Amazing Five Minute News Cycle

by guest blogger Zeff Davies

You’ve heard of the 24-hour news cycle created by the incessant need of cable TV news for new sensations? Well, always glad to advance the state of art, we here at backofthebook.ca now present The Amazing Five Minute News Cycle:

5:35 p.m.

I, Zeff Davies, would like to announce that I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

5:36 pm
Whaddaya mean I’m not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby? Listen, honey-nipples, if I say I’m the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, I’m the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, got it? You damn internet surfers start all the wars.

5:37 pm
Released on bail after his recent Drinking While on the Internet charge, backofthebook.ca blogger Zeff Davies was seen today shaving off all his chest hair in a local barbershop.

5:38 pm
A spokesperson for Zeff Davies has announced that the blogger has entered an undisclosed rehab facility, to “better understand his recent behaviours.” The spokesperson asked the press to “respect his privacy and that of his dog.”

5:39 pm
I, Zeff Davies, would like to announce that I now understand that I am not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. I profoundly apologize to anyone I offended as I worked my way towards this painful but necessary realization. I will also be appearing on The Tonight Show, The Late Show with David Letterman, and The Hour With George Stroumboulopoulos to announce the establishment of The Zeff Davies Centre to Treat Guys Who Think They are the Fathers of a Minor Dead Celebrity’s Baby.

I am, however, Hitler’s great-grandson, and damn proud of it.