The Supreme Court of the United States, or SCOTUS as they like to be known (not to be mistaken with scrotum, the word I see, and now you’ll see, every time you look at the acronym SCOTUS), recently declared (like an old southern belle) that US employers can refuse to cover birth control in their health insurance plans due to religious beliefs.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking, “This is insane!” And I couldn’t agree more with you guys (which is a strange occurrence, usually we are not even close to the same page). If SCOTUS is going to let companies be run like religious organizations, then there’s tons of other biblical teaching they need to be following.
For instance, employers should be allowed to fire anyone who sleeps with a virgin and then doesn’t marry her. In Exodus 22:16, God says, “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife.” So, if we’re making corporations our moral judges, as SCOTUS seems to be doing, they should be legally allowed to fire anyone who sleeps with a virgin and then doesn’t marry her.
Look, it probably sounds crazy, I mean for the most part people are cool with pre-marital sex now. But that’s not what this is about. This is about corporations being allowed to claim religion as a reason for their policies. Therefore you better think twice before sleeping with that virgin if you want to keep your job selling coffee — I mean they have standards at those coffee shops!
Further to that, in Exodus 33:13-15, God says: “Above all you shall keep my Sabbaths . . . Whoever does any work on the Sabbath shall be put to death.” That there is pretty cut and dried. God wants us dead if we work on the Sabbath. So, I think that everyone who has ever worked on a Saturday needs to be put to death.
Sorry, I don’t think that. But God does. And since this is about putting God back in the secular workplace, I think it needs to be done. Lucky for me, I wrote this article on a Sunday . . . and spent the rest of my week literally doing nothing but laying around and drinking copious amounts of Jim Beam.
Lastly, in Exodus 21:2, God lays out the ground rules for owning slaves. Now, obviously slavery is outlawed in the United States, but obviously that can’t be so for corporations. If they’re allowed to deny people birth control based on their personal religious views, then they should be able to purchase and own slaves . . . based on their religious views.
Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re still going to have to follow the rules laid out about slavery by God in the Bible. So, for instance, if they purchase a Hebrew slave to work at their company, and I quote God, “he shall serve six years, and in the seventh he shall go out free, for nothing.”
Look, I’m not saying I support slavery. God does. God loves slavery. And if we’re letting corporations make rules based on what God says, then we need to let them employ slaves (and by “employ” I mean, “enslave”).
I for one can’t wait until these new laws are in play. It’s going to make it super easy for me to get a job. I mean, I won’t get paid for that job, since I’ll be a slave, and I’ll get fired from it if I sleep with a virgin. And I won’t have any birth control when I sleep with her, so we’ll probably have a baby. And then I’ll need to get a job to support that baby . . . but I won’t get paid for that job, either . . .
God bless America!
Nathaniel Moher is an award-winning TV writer and screenwriter living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.