Canada's online magazine: Politics, entertainment, technology, media, arts, books: backofthebook.ca

Politics, tech, media, culture and more, from a Canadian point-of-view

  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Science and Tech
  • Living
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
You are here: Home / Modest Opinion / A Modest Opinion — Ford 2.0

A Modest Opinion — Ford 2.0

06/12/2014 by the editor Leave a Comment

DougFordBy Nathaniel Moher

It takes a real man to admit when he’s afraid, and I’ve got to admit that I was afraid when Rob Ford announced that he was going to take a step away from campaigning to go to rehab.

Look, am I the world’s greatest hard-hitting investigative journalist? Of course I am. But do I, on occasion, like to shy away from hard work and drink three bottles of Jim Beam? Show me a man who doesn’t! And Rob Ford made it really easy for me to take a day off (or… a night on). Rob Ford was the crack-smoking mayor of Canada’s biggest city — he practically did my job for me. (It’s not like he was doing his job…)

And it wasn’t just the crack thing, it was everything. (Although, let’s be honest, it was mostly the crack thing. I mean, he smoked crack while he was mayor of Toronto … and then lied about it!)  I mean, Rob Ford once wanted to ban anyone with a criminal record from Toronto (which, hopefully, soon will include Rob Ford).

So, yeah, I was afraid that when Rob Ford stepped away to get help that I was going to have to start digging for stories again. But then there was Doug Ford.

Thank God for Doug Ford!

You see, Doug E. Ford is picking up right where his brother, Robert, left off. Recently, when speaking about a home for developmentally-disabled youth in Etobicoke (which, I’m told, is the actual name of an actual town), Doug E. Ford said,  “My heart goes out to kids with autism. But no one told me they’d be leaving the house.” And then proceeded to say they’ve “ruined the community.”

With Doug E. Ford going around saying stuff like that, I don’t even have to try anymore. Please excuse me while I crack open this first bottle of Jim Beam. (Screw it, I’m opening all three!)

I mean, seriously, Doug E. Ford, what the hell were you thinking? There’s no way you actually thought that you could say something like that and people wouldn’t get upset about it. That it wouldn’t be the only thing people were talking about. You’d be a crazy person to believe that.

And that’s when I realized why Doug E. Ford is doing this. He is a crazy person, but a crazy smart person.

He’s trying to draw the attention away from his brother. No one is going to be talking about how Rob Ford was spotted out-and-about in Ontario cottage country last week (where, I’m told, crack is available) and not in rehab (where, I’m told, crack isn’t available … unless you know who to ask).

Doug E. Ford doesn’t actually think autistic children are ruining the community, he’s just saying they do so people won’t pay attention to the fact that his brother, Rob Ford, who is running for re-election, is literally incapable of keeping a promise.

Look, it’s the only logical explanation. Seriously.

Because, if that wasn’t the reason that Doug E. Ford said that kids with autism shouldn’t leave the house, then he’s a terrible, terrible human being.

But, if he said it to protect the world from finding out that his crack-addict mayor of a brother is a liar, then he’s … well … still a terrible, terrible person.

Maybe the Fords are just all around terrible, terrible people, and we just have to learn to accept that.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, all this making fun of an addict has made me thirsty … and I have three bottles of Jim Beam to drink.

Nathaniel Moher is an award-winning TV and screenwriter living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.

Filed Under: Modest Opinion

Subscribe to BoB by e-mail or RSS

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Google+
  • Living
  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
Fire sale sign

Fort McMurray: Shopping time!

By Brady Tighe We’re now officially in the aftermath phase of the northern Alberta wildfire crisis. The fire is long gone, and everyone with a home to return to is back in its … [Read More...]

Nathan Cullen

Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking

By Alison@Creekside The most interesting and innovative idea to come out of the first meeting of the all-party Special Committee on Electoral Reform, or ERRE, was Nathan Cullen's suggestion, … [Read More...]

Trudeau on quantum computing

The Trudeau gush fest is getting old

By Jim Henshaw There have been several bewildered as well as angry accounts coming out of the USA lately about how little media time has been spent covering the Democratic Presidential Primary … [Read More...]

Rick Meyers in Nanaimo Pride Parade

My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade

By Frank Moher On this dreadful day, I don't want to write about the shootings in Orlando. I want to write about my friend, Rick. Rick lives just outside of Nanaimo, a city of about 80,000, … [Read More...]

Stephen Colbert on Late Night set

Triumph of the drama nerds

By Frank Moher Two drama nerds have recently moved into high profile positions. Before I name them (or perhaps you’ve already guessed who they are; or perhaps you’d like to scroll down and look at … [Read More...]

From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon

Originally published on Our Rape Blog, the author's account of the aftermath of a violent sexual assault. By Mary Fraughton Have you ever played Hearts? It’s a card game. For our purposes, … [Read More...]

First Nations defending Lelu Island

The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

From Creekside: The B.C. provincial government is trying to green light the construction of a massive LNG terminal on Lelu Island in the Skeena Estuary -- Pacific Northwest LNG, backed by Malaysian … [Read More...]

Google

Follow Us!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter

RSS CBC News



Recent Posts

  • Fort McMurray: Shopping time!
  • From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon
  • Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking
  • The fish hotel
  • Hatred on an Alberta golf course
  • The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”
  • My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade
  • Our selective sympathy
  • The Water Bomber, The Frogman and The Great Canadian Novelist
  • Komagata Maru: The story behind the apology

Tags

9/11 Afghanistan Alberta bad behaviour books British Columbia business Canada Canadian military Canadian politics CBC celebrity computers Conservatives crime environment family film G20 Globe and Mail internet Jason Kenney journalism Justin Trudeau law Liberals Maclean's music National Post NDP newspapers oil sands online media Ontario Quebec RCMP religion sports Stephen Harper television theatre Toronto U.S. Vancouver women

Archives

The Video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

Pages

  • About
  • Privacy

Copyright © 2023 · News Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in