[Editor’s Note: Please be advised that this article has been edited to remove any sort of libel . . . and also comedy.]
Let’s be honest, guys, for the last four years I’ve been doing my best to try and convince you that Canadian politics are at all interesting.
I mean, sure our government is controlled by a robot [Editor’s Note: Probably not really] who is bent on enslaving the human race [Editor’s Note: Probably not actually] — but when’s he going to get started on that? Come on, Harps, people are waiting to write about it (but not waiting for it to happen, because it will be terrible for all of us).
In fact, I was about to turn in my fedora with my “reporter” card on the brim, turn off the microfiche, and retire to a life of drinking my Jim Beam in silence. That was, until, both Mike Duffy and Rob Ford happened. [Editor’s Note: backofthebook.ca can neither confirm nor deny that either of these guys “happened.”]
Can you believe it?! Two solid gold examples of exciting (though not good) Canadian politics. And in as many weeks. Canadians could not have wished for anything better (well, except perhaps a senate that isn’t embroiled in scandal and a mayor who doesn’t smoke crack)!
First off, we have Mike Duffy dropping some bombs of knowledge on the Senate the other day. [Editor’s Note: Mr. Duffy didn’t actually drop real bombs on the Senate.] It seems that not only did the PMO’s Nigel Wright pay back the $90,000 that Duffy probably shouldn’t have claimed, but apparently the Conservative party wrote him a second cheque for his $13,000 legal fees — all before trying to force him out of the Senate.
This is perhaps the greatest thing to happen in Canadian politics in recent history! Because it’s like we have real politicians now. We have senators who are essentially stealing from taxpayers. We have Chiefs-of-Staff who are trying to cover things up. [Editor’s Note: Or cover nothing up.]
It’s fantastic, and that’s only the first scandal. [Editor’s Note: Or non-scandal.]
On top of all that, we have the Mayor of Canada’s largest city, Rob Ford, being caught on tape smoking crack. [Editor’s Note: Or just tobacco or marijuana from a “glass pipe”]! Things could not get any better than that!
I mean, seriously, usually I would have to make something up about the mayor of a city just to get anyone even remotely interested in paying attention to what they’re doing. And even then, even when I was making up a lie about them, I wouldn’t even come close to saying something so outlandish as to claim they were smoking crack. But I can literally say, without getting in trouble, that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has smoked crack. [Editor’s Note: Actually, Natty can say this.]
Ford and Duffy are making it so easy for me, it’s like stealing candy from a baby (which is the exact opposite of stealing crack from Rob Ford — he would probably actually eat you. [Editor’s Note: We can neither confirm nor deny that it would be hard to steal crack from Rob Ford . . . or babies]).
The only thing that could make my job even better is that we finally get the proof that Stephen Harper is actually a robot, set on enslaving us all.
[Editor’s Note: Also, re: the title, “Thank God for Ford and Duffy,” backofthebook.ca can neither confirm nor deny that God had anything to do with them . . . or exists.]
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.