To be honest guys, I’m not too sure if my world-fixing services are really needed at the moment. I mean, look at the USA; they successfully fixed their government by themselves – after nearly causing a default and forcing 800,000 employees to stop working (or, as the Republicans put it, “Take a nice vacation … go see one of the US monuments you’ve always wanted to see … what? They’re closed?! Well, who the hell closed them? Us? That doesn’t sound like something we’d do … let’s blame Obama!”). But even though America is all but a self-righting machine now, and it’s only a matter of time before they learn to work together and solve all the world’s problems, I’m still here to give out my unsolicited advice.
So, shall we?
Idea 1: Start paying politicians like they’re professional golfers.
Think about it, golfers are really good at golfing because they only get paid if they win the matches. If you’re a crappy golfer, you don’t get paid. Plain and simple. So, start only paying politicians when they get things done. Approve healthcare – get paid. Pass a budget – get paid. Broker peace in the Middle East – get an endorsement from Nike!
The second you tell politicians that they’re not getting paid until they start doing their jobs well, you’re going to see a lot of changes up on the hill. Also, a lot of Senators wearing Nike-brand suits.
Idea 2: Just give politicians everything for free.
One of the biggest problems with the American political system is lobbyists paying politicians to get what they want. But, if politicians just start getting everything for free, they’ll have no need for money.
Think about it, they walk into a Whole Foods, flash their politician card, and get all their groceries for free. Flash their card, get a free mansion. Flash their card, free Jim Beam (which I get for free, just for mentioning them – speaking of which: “Have you drunk your eight glasses of Jim Beam today?”).
Look, you know why you couldn’t buy Arnold Schwarzenegger off when he was governor of California? Because he was so rich he didn’t care (also proving he didn’t care … that he made Kindergarten Cop). I mean, he didn’t even take a salary.
Not only would giving politicians everything for free cut down on corruption, think of all the money the United States government could save if they didn’t have to pay any politicians.
Idea 3: Politicians need to live with the decisions they make … literally.
If they deny everybody healthcare, then they don’t get healthcare. Cut everyone’s pension, they don’t get a pension. Nothing will make politicians look out for the little guy faster than making the politicians the little guy. Just wait and see how fast everyone gets free healthcare and better pensions!
Idea 4: As always, I’m leaving my craziest idea till last. And as always, I’m almost embarrassed to even say it. But what if, for a period of time, all the countries in the world just start focusing on themselves and their own issues. (This is the exact same advice my ex-girlfriend gave me right before she broke up with me – although she noted I had more issues to work out than she did.)
Sure, America needs to intervene everywhere because of terrorists. But if the countries where the terrorists live are taking the time to look at themselves and their problems, they’ll be dealing with those terrorists on their own.
Meanwhile, Americans can stop spending all their money on wars, meaning they don’t have to raise the debt ceiling anymore, and can maybe start focusing on working together (the exact opposite of the advice from my ex-girlfriend, who thought we worked better separate).
Listen, I know you guys never really take my advice (and by “you guys,” I mean the Lizard People who really control the world), but I swear, the second you use even just one of my ideas, this world will be saved.
And I’ll be out of a job.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.