Over the last two years, I have presented at least 19 completely achievable and 100 per cent effective ideas for fixing the state of the world today (including: free drugs for everyone, more porn, making Jurassic Park a real thing, and bringing back the reboot of “Charlie’s Angels” – all of which I guarantee would have fixed the world. And I have multiple degrees in World Fixing, so I should know). However, unfortunately for the world, no one has instituted any of my ideas, and therefore the world continues to need fixing.
And where there’s a world that needs fixing, there’s fire. Or, wait … that’s smoke. Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Where there’s a world that needs fixing, there’s … well … also fire. But mainly because of all the riots.
Anyway, let’s get started.
Idea 1: Guns. Now I know what you’re thinking, that I’m going to propose that we get rid of all guns. But I’m thinking the opposite. Let’s just give everyone a gun. The moment you’re born, you get a slap on the bum, and a gun.
Just think about it, if you live in a world where you know the next guy is packing heat, are you going to try anything? I don’t think so, because you know that guy will just kill you. And if you do try anything, then you probably deserved to die.
Idea 2: Make killing someone legal. Look, my whole gun idea isn’t going to work unless we are actually allowed to kill people. I mean, maybe there still needs to be some restrictions on who you can kill and when you can kill them. So, I say we just legalize duels again. You can only kill a person if they have accepted your challenge to a duel.
Of course, it would be cowardly not to accept a challenge to a duel, so everyone will always accept. However, there won’t be that many duels, because no one is going to do anything that would provoke a duel … because then you’ll die for sure. And it will not be a crime.
Idea 3: Everyone get super-rich. Look, I don’t necessarily know how money works (I’m no economatician … and apparently neither is my accountant), but why can’t everyone just be super-rich? We’ve already gotten rid of the middle class, so right now there’s just poor or super-rich. Why not get rid of the poor class too? That way everyone will be rich and powerful.
Now, I’m not sure exactly how this works, but I think what we all need to do is quit our jobs and start working on the stock market. And don’t worry, if this somehow over-saturates the market, causing it to crash, Obama will just bail the banks out. And then you’ll all go back to where you started … being super-poor.
Idea 4: As is customary, I’ve left my most ridiculous idea for last. But, perhaps, as a world, we all just need to be a little less scared. Listen, terrorism is scary. I get it. It’s also bad. However, if we’re willing to give up some of our basic civil liberties just because something might happen, I think we’ve got it wrong. We shouldn’t be okay with the fact that the government is taking away our civil liberties under the guise of “protecting us.” We need to stand up for our rights, and not live in a state of constant fear anymore. Perhaps if we start believing the world isn’t such a scary place anymore, it won’t be such a scary place anymore.
Or, you know, maybe the government could just have an NSA agent follow each and everyone of us around at all times and report on everything we’re doing. You know, for our own protection.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.