By Nathaniel Moher
Over the past few years I have offered up numerous solid ideas to fix the world, and more specifically the United States of America (which, if we’re being honest, probably couldn’t point out the world on a globe).
Most of my ideas haven’t been implemented, although they should be, right now, before it’s too late. (ABC, “Charlie’s Angels” reboot. Reboot right now! GO!) However, I believe I can proudly take credit for prompting President Obama and his government to come up with some amazing ideas of their own.
Therefore I present to you “Nathaniel Moher’s Guide to President Obama’s Guide to Fixing the World.”
Idea 1: Comes from New York Democratic Representative, Jose Serrano, who has proposed an end to term limits for presidents. That’s right, no more two terms only. Now, I know what you’re thinking: This is a great idea. How come this hasn’t been brought forward before?
Well it has, multiple times over the past 15 years by Jose Serrano – each time getting voted down. But I don’t get why anyone would think it’s a bad idea.
Think about how great we have it up here in Canada with no term limits. That means Stephen Harper can literally be Prime Minister till he dies (which he won’t, because he’s a robot . . . and robots never die). And just think about how great America would be if Bill Clinton was still president . . . or George W. Bush. Imagine more than eight years of George W. Bush. Just George W. Bush for an unlimited amount of time!
Idea 2: Is brilliant, and comes to Obama via a guy who simply goes by the username “Beowulf.”
Beowulf — after, I can only assume, an epic session of pwning some noobs in the PVP server in World of Warcraft — decided to search the web to see how he could save the US economy. That’s when he realized that, thanks to a loophole in constitutional law, America can press a platinum coin of any amount.
So Beowulf proposed that the treasury mint a $1 trillion platinum coin.
Now, I once again know what you’re thinking: This Beowulf guy is crazy, and I agree. If you’re going to mint a $1 trillion coin, you might as well mint a $16 trillion coin and just eliminate the debt altogether. Or mint a $32 trillion dollar coin and America is set for another 2.36 years. There is literally no downside to this . . . except crazy inflation . . . but that can be dealt with by just getting rid of money . . . or something.
Idea 3: Comes from “we the people” in the form of a petition on the US government’s website.
It seems that 34,435 US citizens agree that the American Government should begin construction on a Death Star.
Now, for those of you who don’t know what a Death Star is (I guess you were too busy having sex and being cool in high school to watch Star Wars), it’s a giant space station whose main purpose is blowing up planets. Not only would creating a Death Star create jobs and put billions back into the economy, but we could finally blow up Earth . . . like we’ve been trying to do since we invented nukes . . . right?
So, there you have it, all the options Obama has before him. Obviously some are better than others, but at least we can agree on one thing . . . that Beowulf guy is a genius.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.