Illustration: http://policymic
By Nathaniel Moher
Listen, I never thought I would be agreeing with Donald Trump about anything (except for picking Arsenio Hall as the winner of “Celebrity Apprentice” – because that dude worked his ass off . . . at convincing people he was still a celebrity). I mean, when Trump started demanding that President Obama reveal his birth certificate, I thought, “What’s the big deal if your leader wasn’t born in your country?” Harps wasn’t born in Canada, he was built in a robotics factory in China, and we don’t seem to mind.
But ever since Nate Silver predicted the 2012 presidential election with about 98% accuracy, I’m demanding to see his birth certificate, because I believe he’s from the future.
Silver runs the New York Times political blog FiveThirtyEight, and claims to use math and statistics to determine the outcome of elections. However, I’m calling BS on that, and saying that the only way Nate Silver could be as good as he is, is if he’s from the future.
Now, you might think that this theory is crazy, but let me put it this way. In Back to the Future II, Biff travels back to 1955 from the year 2015 with a book of sports history, and proceeds to use it to place bets, becoming the richest man in the world. I believe that Nate Silver is doing exactly what Biff did, only with politics – and not to become the richest man in the world, but to make his blog super popular (listen, it’s a MySpace generation, kids are all about their blogs and their twitters and their tamagotchis).
Not only has Silver correctly predicted the last two elections, but he’s also predicted the outcome of things like baseball games. Kind of like, oh I don’t know, Biff from Back to the Future II.
Listen, I’m not trying to claim that time travel exists; I’m just saying if you look at the facts about Nate Silver, the only explanation is that he is obviously a time traveller.
Now Nate, I don’t have the money to offer this myself, but I assume I can speak for Trump – who is a staunch supporter of demanding people reveal their birth certificates for silly reasons – and say that he will donate $5 million of his own money to a charity of your choosing if you provide your birth certificate to us. It’s quite simple: just show us your original birth certificate proving you were born before the year 2013, and Trump will donate $5 million to whatever charity you want . . . I promise.
However, if the charity ends up being the “Doc Brown Flux Capacitor Fund for the Inevitable Invention of Time Travel,” I don’t think there will be any need for you to provide your birth certificate to us. Trump and I will know you’re from the future, thereby invalidating any predictions you’ve ever made, and I guess giving the election to Romney.
Because that’s how this whole birth certificate thing works, right? — revealing one’s birth certificate leads to Romney becoming President, right? At least that’s what Donald’s led me to believe.
By the way, in the name of full disclosure, I should let you know that I’m currently writing this in Washington State . . . high as a kite! So high that I may go get gay-married. Just because I can. Thank you, Obama!
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
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