Canada's online magazine: Politics, entertainment, technology, media, arts, books: backofthebook.ca

Politics, tech, media, culture and more, from a Canadian point-of-view

  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Science and Tech
  • Living
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
You are here: Home / Modest Opinion / A Modest Opinion – Retracted

A Modest Opinion – Retracted

03/26/2012 by backofthebook.ca Leave a Comment

By Nathaniel Moher

Dear worshipping readership: as one of the few remaining hard-hitting investigative journalists out there (see you at the meeting, Seacrest), I obviously pride myself on never making a mistake. Ever. But apparently my assumption that I never make a mistake is, in fact, a mistake, and I would like to apologise for making such a statement and retract it. While I’m at it, I would also like to apologise for, and retract, some other comments I have made in the past.

In my last column (Who You Gonna Robo-call), I wrote what I believed to be a true statement, that all young people smoke pot: a statement I thought was true, because young people are the ones I always buy my pot off of. However, it turns out that I was wrong, as I met a young man the other day named Edward who informed me he did not smoke pot.

In lieu of this new information, I would like to apologise for, and retract, my statement. I am embarrassed that I made such a generalisation about young people. It was wrong of me. What I should have said is, “All young people smoke pot – with the exception of Edward Smith, who is a decent human being and a beacon of light in an otherwise hot-boxed smoke-filled room that is occupied by every other young person, stoned out of their minds”.

Now, unfortunately, before we can get onto the real reporting, there are a few more things I need to apologise for and retract. It’s all part of being a reporter, apologising for reporting the news. However, I digress.

In my journal entry last night, I wrote, “Jenny Hersner is a stupid, filthy, dumb girl, and I don’t know why she stood me up,  because my mom has always told me I’m the perfect catch.”  Now, I feel just horrible for writing such terrible things about someone, and what’s worse, it’s not even true. This time around, I just let my emotions get the best of me and get in the way of hard-hitting investigative journaling.  Therefore, I’d like to apologise to Ms. Hersner; you’re not a filthy girl.  If you were to ask me, you probably shower at least once a day, and therefore you are of average cleanliness (unlike me, who is of godlike cleanliness because, you know what they say, cleanliness is next to doglessness. Something about not having a dog makes you cleaner or something.)

Furthermore, while I was ordering my coffee at the coffee shop where I write my column, I told the barista that I did not like the new Norah Jones album. I would like to apologise for and retract this statement, as, after returning home I drew myself my nightly bath, lit my candles, threw on the new Norah Jones CD, and was swept away to a wonderful, relaxing world. How I could have ever thought that Norah Jones’ voice was anything but heavenly is beyond me. I’m sorry.

And lastly, I’d like to apologise in advance to my first wife. During our wedding ceremony, I will say I will “love you, comfort you, honour and keep you, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to you as long as we both shall live.” However, “as long as we both shall live” will quickly turn into, “until I met my new secretary, hubba-hubba”, and therefore I’d like to apologise and retract all of that (except the hubba-hubba, because DAMN she’s fine).

Now, if all of you could just forget I said any of those things, and no longer use them to form your own opinions of things, that would be great. Because that’s what a retraction does: makes you, the reader, forget I said those things.

– Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.

Filed Under: Modest Opinion Tagged With: journalism

Subscribe to BoB by e-mail or RSS

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Google+
  • Living
  • Politics
  • Media
  • Culture
  • Arts and Books
  • Features
  • The Video
Fire sale sign

Fort McMurray: Shopping time!

By Brady Tighe We’re now officially in the aftermath phase of the northern Alberta wildfire crisis. The fire is long gone, and everyone with a home to return to is back in its … [Read More...]

Nathan Cullen

Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking

By Alison@Creekside The most interesting and innovative idea to come out of the first meeting of the all-party Special Committee on Electoral Reform, or ERRE, was Nathan Cullen's suggestion, … [Read More...]

Trudeau on quantum computing

The Trudeau gush fest is getting old

By Jim Henshaw There have been several bewildered as well as angry accounts coming out of the USA lately about how little media time has been spent covering the Democratic Presidential Primary … [Read More...]

Rick Meyers in Nanaimo Pride Parade

My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade

By Frank Moher On this dreadful day, I don't want to write about the shootings in Orlando. I want to write about my friend, Rick. Rick lives just outside of Nanaimo, a city of about 80,000, … [Read More...]

Stephen Colbert on Late Night set

Triumph of the drama nerds

By Frank Moher Two drama nerds have recently moved into high profile positions. Before I name them (or perhaps you’ve already guessed who they are; or perhaps you’d like to scroll down and look at … [Read More...]

From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon

Originally published on Our Rape Blog, the author's account of the aftermath of a violent sexual assault. By Mary Fraughton Have you ever played Hearts? It’s a card game. For our purposes, … [Read More...]

First Nations defending Lelu Island

The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

From Creekside: The B.C. provincial government is trying to green light the construction of a massive LNG terminal on Lelu Island in the Skeena Estuary -- Pacific Northwest LNG, backed by Malaysian … [Read More...]

Google

Follow Us!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter

RSS CBC News



Recent Posts

  • Fort McMurray: Shopping time!
  • From “Our Rape Blog”: Shooting the Moon
  • Electoral reform: Hashtag fresh thinking
  • The fish hotel
  • Hatred on an Alberta golf course
  • The video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”
  • My friend, Rick, at the Pride Parade
  • Our selective sympathy
  • The Water Bomber, The Frogman and The Great Canadian Novelist
  • Komagata Maru: The story behind the apology

Tags

9/11 Afghanistan Alberta bad behaviour books British Columbia business Canada Canadian military Canadian politics CBC celebrity computers Conservatives crime environment family film G20 Globe and Mail internet Jason Kenney journalism Justin Trudeau law Liberals Maclean's music National Post NDP newspapers oil sands online media Ontario Quebec RCMP religion sports Stephen Harper television theatre Toronto U.S. Vancouver women

Archives

The Video: Lelu Island: “They will come.”

Pages

  • About
  • Privacy

Copyright © 2023 · News Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in