Dear worshipping readership: as one of the few remaining hard-hitting investigative journalists out there (see you at the meeting, Seacrest), I obviously pride myself on never making a mistake. Ever. But apparently my assumption that I never make a mistake is, in fact, a mistake, and I would like to apologise for making such a statement and retract it. While I’m at it, I would also like to apologise for, and retract, some other comments I have made in the past.
In my last column (Who You Gonna Robo-call), I wrote what I believed to be a true statement, that all young people smoke pot: a statement I thought was true, because young people are the ones I always buy my pot off of. However, it turns out that I was wrong, as I met a young man the other day named Edward who informed me he did not smoke pot.
In lieu of this new information, I would like to apologise for, and retract, my statement. I am embarrassed that I made such a generalisation about young people. It was wrong of me. What I should have said is, “All young people smoke pot – with the exception of Edward Smith, who is a decent human being and a beacon of light in an otherwise hot-boxed smoke-filled room that is occupied by every other young person, stoned out of their minds”.
Now, unfortunately, before we can get onto the real reporting, there are a few more things I need to apologise for and retract. It’s all part of being a reporter, apologising for reporting the news. However, I digress.
In my journal entry last night, I wrote, “Jenny Hersner is a stupid, filthy, dumb girl, and I don’t know why she stood me up, because my mom has always told me I’m the perfect catch.” Now, I feel just horrible for writing such terrible things about someone, and what’s worse, it’s not even true. This time around, I just let my emotions get the best of me and get in the way of hard-hitting investigative journaling. Therefore, I’d like to apologise to Ms. Hersner; you’re not a filthy girl. If you were to ask me, you probably shower at least once a day, and therefore you are of average cleanliness (unlike me, who is of godlike cleanliness because, you know what they say, cleanliness is next to doglessness. Something about not having a dog makes you cleaner or something.)
Furthermore, while I was ordering my coffee at the coffee shop where I write my column, I told the barista that I did not like the new Norah Jones album. I would like to apologise for and retract this statement, as, after returning home I drew myself my nightly bath, lit my candles, threw on the new Norah Jones CD, and was swept away to a wonderful, relaxing world. How I could have ever thought that Norah Jones’ voice was anything but heavenly is beyond me. I’m sorry.
And lastly, I’d like to apologise in advance to my first wife. During our wedding ceremony, I will say I will “love you, comfort you, honour and keep you, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to you as long as we both shall live.” However, “as long as we both shall live” will quickly turn into, “until I met my new secretary, hubba-hubba”, and therefore I’d like to apologise and retract all of that (except the hubba-hubba, because DAMN she’s fine).
Now, if all of you could just forget I said any of those things, and no longer use them to form your own opinions of things, that would be great. Because that’s what a retraction does: makes you, the reader, forget I said those things.
– Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.