4 a.m. A bar.
Steve: Just say “I stand with Saudi Arabia” a bunch of times, wait for the press to repeat it, and there ya go. Canada! Fuck Yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfuckin’ day, yeah …
Barry, Tony, Dave: No. No. No.
Barry: Look, Steve, I know that “I stand with whoever” line works for you up there in Canada but picture me going home and saying: “You know that country that 15 out of 19 hijackers came from that bombed the WTO on 9/11 ? Remember them? Well, funny thing — they’ve gone and got themselves into a bit of a jam by funding ISIS, another made-in-Al Qaeda group, so we’re going to help them out here by going back into Iraq again to bomb their batshit out-of-control wahhabi-zombies before they start WWIII.”
Tony: You have to admit it would be pretty fucking awesome to put it out there like that.
Barry: Yeah, hi-larious. No, leave the Saudis out of this.
Dave: What we need is some kind of babies being thrown out of incubators onto the floor thing like we had for Kuwait.
Steve: Do they have to be brown babies again? Couldn’t we use something bad happening to white people this time? Kinda makes it more immediate for folks back home. Also we need reports of ISIS about to attack us at home.
Barry: No problem — minor logistics. But we’re also going to need heroes, people that our voters can really get behind and cheer for.
Dave: What about hot chicks in camo with guns?
Tony, Steve: WTF? Get outta here.
Dave: No really. There’s this battalion of guerrilla Kurd female fighters spanning Iran, Iraq, Turkey, and Syria. Some of them — very hot. Plus, the peshmerga commander of Kurdish forces in Kobani is a woman.
Barry: … “The female fighters defying ISIS — mothers, wives, daughters — risking their lives every day to protect their homes and families” … Yeah, that could work.
Tony: I’ve heard of them. Didn’t they evacuate thousands of Yazidis under attack from ISIS? — an operation I believe you took credit for, Barry. Fuckin’ doomed now though, aren’t they, eh? Pinned down defending Kobani for three weeks with their ammo running out and Kerry says meh to those hot peshmerga and PKK chicks.
Steve: PKK? The Kurdistan Workers Party? Wait, aren’t they … terrorists? Aren’t they Marxists?
Barry: Who gives a shit, Steve? It’s not like they’re going to win – we’ll just drop some bombs on some empty buildings out in the desert and everybody goes home happy.
Dave: Speaking of going home … I’ve got an early flight out of here in the morning — time to call it a night.
Steve: Already? We should really do this more often, guys. Hey, have any of you ever met a real Bilderburger — you know, one of the guys actually named Bilderburg?
Barry: Say goodnight, Steve.