If you’re reading this, I fear it’s too late. I left this letter with backofthebook.ca in case I had to disappear to my bomb shelter. That’s why it’s too late for all of you . . . because none of you would listen to me when I told you to buy a bomb shelter (also, I’m guessing none of you buried gold and silver like I told you to)!
Now, I know a lot of you are pretty concerned by now. I mean, I’ve just informed you that civilization as we know it is about to end. But don’t worry, there are many sophisticated people out there who have also entered bunkers and will survive the end of the world to start it anew (there’s also a lot of people from the “deep south” who watched a little too much Doomsday Preppers . . . but you know we’re going to need fast food employees in the new world as well). Literally the best people (politicians, billionaires, super models, hard-hitting investigative journalists, Beyoncé) possibly needed to make a new (and dare I say better) world are locked up in bunkers just waiting out the fallout (and having massive orgies . . . for the new society!).
Obviously I wrote this article before I knew exactly how the world ended, but it could be one of many things (including, but not limited to: The robot apocalypse; the enslavement of the human race by the lizard people; the lizard people apocalypse; the miscalculated Mayan apocalypse; nuclear war with Russia; nuclear war with North Korea; nuclear war with the robots; nuclear war with the lizard people; nuclear war with nuclear war; or the inevitable, yet unexpected, crack in the outer wall of the moon base we’ve all escaped to after the first apocalypse on Earth), but all I know for sure is that most of you have died by now. However, for those few of you who are still alive (albeit for not much longer) there are definitely a few things that you could do to start prepping the world for our return.
First and foremost, start exercising a lot . . . preferably outside. This will serve two purposes for us. First of all, and I’m no scientist, but I feel like all that heavy breathing and sweating is definitely going to start sucking up all that nuclear fallout, making it an even cleaner world for us when we get out of our bunkers. Secondly, it means you’ll die faster. And the faster you die (and the cleaner you make the world), the sooner we can all come out of hiding and start remaking the world (you’re sacrificing yourself for a better world)!
Now if, by some strange happenstance, I accidentally entered my bomb shelter a little prematurely, then I’m going to need one of you to come find me.
For obvious reasons I can’t tell you where my bomb shelter is, because if the apocalypse is here you’ll all come to my bomb shelter and try to steal my food. But I have a solution. If the apocalypse did happen, please stop reading this article right now. I hope you all respect me enough to sacrifice yourselves for my betterment.
Thank you, and I’m sorry you’re all going to die. It’s just the way things had to be.
Okay, if you’re reading this far, that means I jumped the gun a little and the world didn’t end. Cool. You can find my bomb shelter under the warehouse at 6134 Main Street. The passcode is 59662188.
If you come, it’s probably best that you bring a friend . . . ‘cause I might accidentally shoot whoever comes down first, thinking you’re some sort of rad-mutant here to eat my brains. But the second guy can tell me I’m wrong.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.