If you’re like me, you’re confused and angered by what’s happening with Syria right now. I mean … we have to learn about another Middle Eastern country that we’re going to attack?! Come on, Obama, I just learned where Iran was, and you guys haven’t even attacked that place yet. One war at a time … or … four wars at a time, whatever. (You’re not officially at war with Yemen right … drone strikes don’t count as war?)
To be honest, I have no idea if we’ve actually attacked Syria yet. I write all my columns in one day at the beginning of the year (I also consume all my bottles of Jim Beam in the same day – and then the drunk lasts all year!) and then my editor just prints them as she sees fit. But, I’m going to assume that Obama has attacked Syria. I mean, why wouldn’t he? Right? They’re the United Eff’ing States of America. They can attack whomever they want, whenever they want (right, Yemen?!)! And if you don’t think they can, well, they’ll just attack you – because they can!
Now, I’m sure most of you don’t know why America would want to attack Syria. I mean, it’s not like they’ve got oil or something. But America doesn’t just fight for oil, they fight injustices! I mean, the United States isn’t just going to stand by and let innocent civilians die (unless, of course, it’s the reported 50 civilians killed for every one “terrorist” killed by a United States drone strike – but those civilians don’t matter … because … TERRORISTS!!!!!).
Look, I’m no mathmatologist, but sure, the United States kills 50 civilians for every”terrorist” they kill with a drone strike, and that seems like a lot. But the alleged chemical attack in Syria killed a reported 1,429 civilians – and that’s a lot more than 50. That’s so many, in fact, that the United States can’t just stand by and do nothing. I mean, it would be crazy if the United States saw a number that big and did nothing. They’d never do that.
Yeah, I know, so far this year, there have been around 7,264 deaths in America due to gun violence, and that’s a much bigger number than 1,429. And sure, they seem to not want to do anything about that. But, come on, a lot of those people probably deserved to be shot. I mean, what were they thinking, walking down the street wearing a hoodie, or being the child of a person who is too stupid to lock up their gun, or going to see a movie? If you are going to participate in such reckless behaviour, you’re going to get shot. That’s not America’s fault, that’s your fault.
And anyway, America doesn’t have the clout to get anything done at home anymore, anyway. One half of Congress hates the other side so much, I’m surprised they haven’t all shot each other by now too. (That’s how they used to deal with these things, anyone remember Aaron Burr? That guy shot Alexander Hamilton because they didn’t like each other.) But, the one thing that every political figure in Washington can agree on is that America needs to bomb the crap out of every country in the Middle East … because … TERRORISTS!!!!!
But on the bright side, at least we’re winning the war on terror. I mean, we’re out of Iraq [Editor’s Note: No they’re not.], we’re out of Afghanistan [Editor’s Note: No they’re not.], we’ve killed at least one “terrorist” in Yemen [Editor’s Note: No they haven’t.], and now we just need to dip into Syria a little bit, and it’ll all be good [Editor’s Note: No it won’t be].
That is, it’ll be fine as long as Russia and Iran don’t mind …. But the United States has good relationships with them … right? [Editor’s Note: No they don’t.]
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.