By Nathaniel Moher
With the CBC repeatedly reporting on an unconfirmed video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford apparently hanging out with accused drug dealers and smoking crack cocaine, they have completely missed another apparent video. The other apparent video, I’m told, contains footage of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen “Harps” Harper apparently hanging out with accused robots and drinking motor oil.
Please note, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, have seen this video, and therefore cannot confirm its existence.
I am told that in this video, that has yet to surface (although I am currently accepting donations to reach the quarter of a million dollar price tag the “supposed” robots are asking for the video. Please send your hard-earned money to Box 11, Steve’s Packaged Offices & Secretarial Services, Vancouver, c/o Nathaniel Moher . . . Please note that I make no guarantees I’ll still be able to purchase the video once the money is raised, at which point I’ll just spend it on whatever I’d like), a man, who clearly resembles the Prime Minister of Canada, Harps, downs gallons upon gallons of motor oil, surrounded by people who appear to be robots.
Please note, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, have seen this video, and therefore cannot confirm its existence . . . but we’re going to report on it anyway . . . because someone’s probably seen it.
Furthermore, I’m told that in this same video, Harps, after guzzling gallons of motor oil, declares “death to all humans, and let us . . . real-life robots . . . take control of the world we deserve!” before drinking yet another gallon of motor oil.
Again, please note, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, have seen this video, and therefore I cannot confirm that Stephen Harper actually said those words . . . but, come on, it sounds like something he’d say . . . right? So that’s kind of like good journalism.
Also, I am being told that after declaring “death to all humans” in the video, Harps proceeds to tear all his “skin” off and reveal that he is in fact a robot, with a full metallic skeleton. After tearing his “skin” off, the other robots in the video begin to pour, what I’m told others can only assume is, human blood all over robot Harps, and then use that blood to buff his metallic skeleton. The skeleton then, and I’m just being told this, sparkles.
Again, and I can’t stress this enough, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, have seen this video. We are going completely off the word of other people who have seen this video. But, I mean, we don’t really have the time to do due process and try to see the video ourselves . . . we need to report the “news” fast . . . so fast that we’ll risk being wrong. But, we’re not wrong, because someone says they have seen this video . . . and if that’s good enough for the CBC, then that’s good enough for us.
Now, I haven’t reached out to Harps, or any of his people, but I can safely assume that his response would be: “I have never, nor will I ever, drink gallons upon gallons of motor oil, declare ‘death to all humans,’ then tear all my skin off and douse myself in human blood and use it to buff my . . . program error . . . program error . . . shutting down.” Sure, that’s not something he said . . . but it sounds like something he’d say.
And that’s what I call good news reporting.
Lastly, and I really do have to stress this, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, have seen a single thing mentioned in this article. In fact, neither I, nor backofthebook.ca, believe that this constitutes “good news reporting.”
In closing, Prime Minister Harper is most definitely a robot . . . as the video proves.
(*Unconfirmed)
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
Leave a Reply