By Nathaniel Moher
Well BC, earlier this month we went out in droves and voted. [Editor’s Note: Actually Natty, “droves” is a bit misleading, only around 50-52 per cent of eligible voters voted.] [Journalist’s Note: Sorry, half? Only half of eligible voters voted? You must mean 102 per cent. Like there’s some controversy that maybe too many people voted.] [Editor’s Note: No, I mean 52 per cent]
All right, so, perhaps “droves” is the wrong word, but good thing I write words for a living, so I can just come up with a new word.
No. You know what? No. I am going to stick with “droves.” Because, sure, maybe only half of eligible voters voted, but, that’s still pretty good. Because it’s extremely dangerous to go out there and vote! I mean, just the act of voting itself could get you killed in this country. [Editor’s Note: That’s not really true, Natty. It’s not dangerous to vote in Canada.] [Journalist’s Note: So, people don’t get shot at when they vote?] [Editor’s Note: No.] [Journalist’s Note: Right, but, I mean, perhaps the places people vote are kind of scary?] [Editor’s Note: Most polling stations are at Elementary Schools.] [Journalist’s Note: Schools you say? Well . . . kids have weird diseases, so that could turn deadly . . .]
Okay, so, apparently you weren’t being shot at. But we must still have an excuse, right? Because, recently, 60 per cent of voters turned out to vote in Pakistan, a place where people are literally blown up by bombs while voting. So, if nearly 10 per cent more people can vote while literally being blown up – like, really, people actually died to vote – there must be a very real reason why only 50 per cent of us voted . . . right?
I mean, it would be silly if there wasn’t. You guys aren’t just lazy . . . right?
But, I think I figured out the reason. See, for people in Pakistan, elections are still exciting. They’re all like: “You mean I actually get a voice in who is elected leader of my country? Sign me up! What? People are going to bomb us if we vote? Well, I’ll risk it. People would be idiots to give up this opportunity! Regardless of how easy or non-easy it is.”
But for us here in BC, we don’t care anymore. We’re all like: “Huh? Oh, another election? Boooorrrrrring! I mean I feel like we have one of these every five years. Oh, who cares, let’s just give it to the person who’s already doing the job, I mean obviously they know what they’re doing. They already have the job. Sorry, what? That HST thing that made us all mad? Oh, whatever.”
You see, voting is so 2009. We have more important things to worry about in BC. Like . . . like . . . the whole “Big Brother Canada” controversy! That’s the kind of voting we care about.
Which, come to think of it, isn’t a bad idea. Perhaps if elections we’re more like reality TV, and less like deciding the fate of our province, people would get interested. Think about it. We could put all four party leaders in a house for 23 days, and have them compete in various competitions.
However, we’d have to make sure these competitions do not resemble debates about the issues . . . because that would seem too much like actual politics. They should be fun things, like “Who can stand on that pole the longest?” or “Who slept with whom?” Then, one by one, we’d vote them out, until the last person standing became the leader of our province.
Not only would we have selected a new premier, but we wouldn’t have had to leave the house. Which apparently is something that we can’t muster up the motivation to do – even when the result will be getting to select the leader of our province. Something that people are literally dying to do a world away.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
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