As most of you know, I’m still waiting for my appointment to the Canadian Senate (ever since giving up any hope that I’ll be appointed Governor General). That’s mainly because I want a job that lasts forever (even after I misuse tens of thousands of dollars in housing subsidies and get suspended – with pay, obviously – for abuse charges).
However, since the House of Commons started tackling the serious issues, I’m reconsidering, and will be running as an MP any day now (you can be an MP and a Senator, right?).
You see, Winnipeg MP Pat Martin recently questioned Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird about our preparations for the zombie apocalypse. And I’m sure you will all agree with me that our elected officials’ time could not be spent on anything more important.
I’m glad to see that even with the unfortunate passing of Jack Layton, the NDP is still holding this Harper Government’s feet to the flames. The NDP knows that Canadians are concerned about one thing, and one thing only – zombies. And that our Foreign Affairs Minister – a man whose job it is to work on our international relations in a world that’s moving ever closer to a huge multi-country war – should be spending his time figuring out how he’s going to stop zombies from crossing the border!
Of course, Mr. Baird assured Mr. Martin that under the leadership of Harps, Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies. But is that enough? Sure, maybe we’ll never harbour zombies, but zombies aren’t looking for harbouring, Mr. Baird. Zombies don’t care about safe havens.
No, zombies want one thing and one thing only . . . brains. And while that might mean those of you in the House of Commons are safe, the rest of us don’t have the luxury of joking around about such important things. We’re out here in the real world.
So, posing the question to the Foreign Affairs Minister was the right place to start, because right away we should start building a wall to keep them out. Zombies that is. But, why didn’t Mr. Martin pose the question to other ministers? I want the entire Canadian government working on this.
Let’s get Peter McKay, the Minister of National Defence, and Vic Toews, the Minister of Public Safety, on it right away. Are swarming zombies not a matter of Public Safety? The NDP think they are. And why stop there? Have Denis Lebel, Minister of Transport, Infrastructure and Communities, cut the zombies off before they get to our homes. All roads lead to the ocean I say! And switch Rona Ambrose from Minister of State for the Status of Women to the Minister of Status of Zombies. Who cares how close we are to a Woman apocalypse, we need to know how close we are to a zombie apocalypse!
I’m glad that the official opposition in Canada is taking on the serious issues. Because, while the Conservatives are busy passing super crime bills and crazy budgets, the NDP is staying true to their core issue . . . brains. And how to keep them from being eaten.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.