Are you sitting down? Well . . . answer the question.
Whatever. If you’re not sitting down, you should be sitting down, because I’m about to blow your mind.
Did you know that there are other Liberals that aren’t Justin Trudeau? And I’m not talking about his father Joseph, I’m talking about the many other people who are delusional enough to think that they could be leader of the Liberals, even though a guy with Trudeau in his name is running. And his name is Trudeau.
So, who are these lost souls that think they stand even the slightest chance, going up against the prodigal son of the Liberal Party? And where can we get the sticky-icky, as Snoop Dogg would call it, that they’re smoking? Let’s find out.
Already out of the gates is Ottawa lawyer David Bertschi, who once ran for political office . . . and quickly lost to a Conservative. However, Berty didn’t let that stop him and he got right back up and started a committee to determine whether or not he should run for leadership of the Liberal Party. And they decided that he should run for leadership of the Liberals. And that’s just what he’s going to do.
But it’s going to be a tight race, because also campaigning already (even though the campaign doesn’t officially start until Nov. 14 . . . which can either be construed as enthusiasm or lack of knowledge of how time works) is Vancouver Crown prosecutor Alex Burton, who I believe has the strongest chance of actually winning this thing (besides, of course J.T., who I’m surprised hasn’t already won it). Why can Burt win it? Because Burt used to work in the Organized Crime Unit for the BC Attorney General, and I’ve watched enough “Da Vinci’s Inquest” to know that anyone who’s worked closely with the Organized Crime Unit can have anyone murdered.
Now, I’m not saying that Alex Burton is going to have Justin Trudeau murdered, I’m just saying that if Justin Trudeau ends up murdered, you know where to look.
There’s also George Takach, the least likely of those least likely to win, and therefore someone Burt doesn’t have to have murdered. Why is Georgie the least likely to win? Because he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. And if you don’t have a Wikipedia page, then it’s like you don’t even exist. And if you don’t exist, you can’t win in politics. Period!
And lastly, but not least. . . ly (there’s actually a ton of other people running, but I don’t really care about them . . . I mean, the guy before this didn’t even have a Wikipedia page . . . that’s how unknown these people are), is Deborah Coyne, who actually has the most political experience of the bunch, having been involved in politics.
Beyond that however, Coyne is also . . . wait for it . . . the mother of Justin Trudeau’s half-sister, Sarah Elisabeth (who is not running for leadership of the Liberals). I can only assume that Coyne is running as her way of getting back at Pierre for leaving her all those years ago. If he’s going to abandon her and their daughter, then she’s going to challenge his son for the leadership party . . . eye for an eye, right? Or crushed political dream for abandonment issues, right?
But, I don’t actually think J.T. has anything to worry about, because even Brian Mulroney, king of the Conservatives, says that J.T. is nothing to “eff” with (not an actual quote). Which is an amazing blow to prime minister hopeful, and son of former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, Ben “I Thought My Father Loved Me, But I Guess I Was Wrong . . . Goodbye Cruel World” Mulroney.
Therefore, in closing, if you call my buddy Tristan, he’ll hook you up with some mad sticky-icky-icky! For real.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.