By Nathaniel Moher
All right, with the world literally falling apart in front of my eyes (not your eyes however, as I assume none of you watch the news), I can only come to two conclusions. One: No one has followed through on my last three guides to saving the world, and two: the Mayans were obviously right about 2012. (They’re also right about Spaniards being dicks . . . don’t even get me started on their moustaches.)
So, as the world crumbles around us (and we all start stocking up on Jim Beam), I’m going to once again pick up the pieces and try to fix what all of y’all caused.
Let us begin.
Idea 1: I’m not sure exactly what’s going on in the Middle East right now (as a successful person I only focus on “firsts” and ignore the “middles” or “thirds”), but all I know for sure is that people are protesting about some sort of horrible movie, and I agree with them. Hollywood should start making good movies again (remember Jurassic Park!). Not only would people stop protesting in the Middle East, but people would start paying to see movies again, and that would jump start the economy.
That, my friends, is what we in the journalist world call two birds with one stone; and that’s why I’m the world fixer. (However, sales of pitchforks and torches would drop significantly, which may make the whole thing a wash.)
Idea 2: Make Jurassic Park a real thing. I don’t know how that will save the world, but I feel like if that exists, nothing wrong can happen in the world (well, except if the dinosaurs start breeding on their own and the electric fences go out . . . but what are the odds?).
Idea 3: Seven words. Name. Bill. Clinton. King. Of. The. World. Listen, did you guys see that speech he gave at that guy’s, whose name I’ve now forgotten since seeing Bill Clinton speak before him, presidential convention? That was crazy impressive. I’ve never been so interested in facts before. (To be fair, I’ve never been interested in facts . . . or factoids even.) I think if we get rid of all other leaders, give Clinton the key to the world, and just let him do his thing, not only will all the political and financial problems go away, but all women of the world will be relieved of their sexual frustrations (with the exception of Hilary . . . but she’s used to it).
Idea 4: It seems to me that if, in your country, you think the biggest issue around a political party’s official platform is the number of times they do or do not mention God, you should probably take a step back, reexamine the country you live in and realize that there are actual problems that need fixing, none of which has a single thing to do with the deity you worship (especially one who wanted to be left out of politics in the first place). But then again, He might get super pissed off for not being mentioned in the platform and punish the country by throwing tornadoes and hurricanes at us . . . so maybe I’m wrong.
And there you have it, four highly viable ideas for how to fix the world (to add to the 12 previous ideas that, if they had been implemented, would have made these ideas moot). Go, act on them, and then all of you can buy hammocks and drinks with umbrellas in them, because you deserve that.
However, in the name of full disclosure, I think I should admit that I have begun the process of converting all my money into gold and moving to a city in the mountain.
But don’t worry; your world will be fine too.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.