Listen, I live by only a few certainties when it comes to my health. One, that eggs are bad for me. Two, that drinking 12 shots of Jim Beam a day makes me more interesting. And three, that if you don’t drink eight glasses of water a day you will die of dehydration (and if you’re keeping up with your 12 shots of Jim Beam a day, you should probably double your water intake – and turn your phone off, because apparently your ex won’t find you more interesting). But now it turns out it was all lies (well, all but the 12 shots of Jim Beam thing – that actually does makes me more interesting).
According to “highly” “educated” “scientists,” the whole “drink eight glasses of water a day, or you’ll die of dehydration and your mother will tell you ‘I told you so’” thing is nothing but lies . . . lies we were told, I can only assume, by the powerful water industry that has been controlling the government for years. Nope, it turns out that you barely need any water, and the whole “eight glasses” thing is just a suggestion, kind of like your doctor’s diagnosis, or speed limits. [Editor’s Note: Natty, I keep telling you, you need to listen to your doctor about your cirrhosis of the liver.] [Journalist’s Note: No need. I’m using the cleaning power of alcohol to clean my liver of it cirrhosis!] Apparently we get water from everything we eat and drink. There’s literally water in everything! (Which means I don’t have to feel guilty about leaving my taps running while I’m out for the day!) There’s even water in Jim Beam. (Suck it, “doctors”!)
But, as a serious investigative journalist, here’s what I want to know: What else has the world been lying to me about? What else have I been doing eight times a day that there’s no need for me to do? (And I don’t mean what I do in my bedroom alone, behind closed doors . . . who doesn’t need to change outfits eight times a day? Even if it’s just for my self-esteem.)
What about eggs? Are you going to tell me that I should be eating eggs now? [Editor’s Note: Actually, Natty, doctors have been saying for ages that egg whites are actually quite good for you. It’s the yolks you have to limit.] [Journalist’s Note: The same “doctors” that have been telling me to drink eight glasses of water a day? . . . I’ll continue to take my chances and not eat eggs.] And what about smoking? Maybe all this time, while we’ve been avoiding the beautiful stress releasing aroma of cigarettes because they “give you cancer,” we could have been smoking eight packs a day with no side effect, except for joy. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
And that’s the real issue here. First there was global warming, which Al Gore’s Internet proved was all just made up by people who know stuff, and now there’s water, eggs, and smoking? It’s like the whole world is a lie, and the only job of scientists is to disprove everything, including whatever they “proved” 50 years ago. And the only reason we let them do this is because they have fancy degrees and lab rats.
So here’s what I propose: We just end science. All of it. And whatever theories exist at this moment just become truths, which will last forever – and never change. The Big Bang Theory becomes the Big Bang Fact. String Theory becomes String Fact, and we just stop looking into things. Not only will it make the world less confusing and lie-heavy, it will make science class so much easier for high schoolers.
Plus, it will free up all that research money for fun things . . . like free, joyful cigarettes for everyone.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.