You know what Canada lacks? The American Dream. We don’t even have some lesser Canadian version of the American Dream (like how we have whatever our version of American Idol is called, or whatever our version of America’s Got Talent is called). And it’s our lack of the American Dream that has caused all this controversy to rise up around Harps spending $45,000 of taxpayer’s money on going to a baseball game.
I’m sure most of you are confused, because you all lack the American Dream too. But I don’t, so let me explain.
In somewhere like America — a place that does have the American Dream — their citizens would observe that their Prime Minister, or in this case their President, spent $45,000 of their taxpayers’ money, or in this case $45,934.16 of their taxpayers’ money, on going to a baseball game, or in their case a basketball game, and they wouldn’t be upset, they’d be super excited!
Still confused? I’ll explain some more.
You see, if you possess the American Dream, when you hear about someone doing something outrageous with their money, or more so, the money they made by screwing those who have less money than them, or money they took from hardworking taxpayers, you get super excited for the day that you’ll be able to do that!
Still confused? You guys really need to pay more attention to what I’m saying, or stop interrupting me while I’m trying to explain it to you.
Those of us who are American Dreamers are always looking at the bright side of things. So, when we hear that our Prime Minister, or in their case [Editor’s Note: We get it Natty . . . they have a President and their money is worth more than ours] our thoughts instantly go to the time when we ourselves will be Prime Minister and get to use taxpayers’ money to go see baseball games.
See, that’s the way the American Dream works. We American Dreamers don’t think about the now – in which we are getting screwed by our Prime Minister, and he’s using our tax dollars to go see literally the most boring sport you could go see – we’re thinking about the then.
And the then is obviously so much better than the now; I mean have you seen the now? It sucks. Our Prime Minister keeps spending our money on stupid things. But the then – the then is going to be amazing. Once I’m Prime Minister I’m going to every baseball game I can go to. I’m even going to use your taxpayer dollars to go watch golf games. Why? Not because I like golf, that’s for sure.
Think this seems a little far-fetched – that there’s no way people would work this way? Well, take Obama’s proposed “Buffett Tax” down in the US. You know why no one likes that tax idea? It’s because, sure, they’re super poor right now and keep getting screwed by the super rich, but it’s only a matter of time before they become super rich investment bankers, at which point they won’t want to be taxed.
So, just take a breath, everyone. Stop worrying about the now, when your Prime Minister is spending your tax dollars to take his family and personal photographer on vacation, and start thinking about the then, when you’ll be Prime Minister and get to take your personal photographer to a $45,000 baseball game.
– Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.