The Internet is a Fairy Godmother in Disguise

by Rachel Krueger

The internet is not all boobs and trolls. I mean, it’s mostly boobs and trolls. If you were to answer either “boobs” or “trolls” for every question in an Identify This Internet Thing Pop Quiz, you’d get a passing grade, which is better than usual for you.

But the occasional trickle of goodwill does force its way in. First there was Antoine Dodson, the unabashed camera ham who frightened an intruder out of his sister’s bedroom and became an instant meme. Due to the internet’s OCD need to auto-tune everything, an interview with the charismatic rapist-thwarter was turned into a Billboard Top 100 song. The proceeds from sales of that song on iTunes as well as of merchandise urging you to “hide yo kids” allowed Dodson to move himself and his family out of the Lincoln Park projects, and to set up a foundation for juvenile diabetes. Point: internet.

Then there was Jenny the Bloggess and her taxidermied boar’s head, James Garfield. The Bloggess designed Christmas cards featuring the JOLLIEST STUFFED BOAR’S HEAD EVER and because the internet has a penchant for wtfery, it purchased said cards to the tune of $600. Jenny graciously offered that money in $30 gift cards to the first 20 people to comment that they couldn’t afford Christmas for their kids. Before long, a commenter offered to help the 21^st person, and another the 22^nd. After a few heady days of online bonhomie, over $42,000 worth of Christmas-making goods had been sent to random people who needed it by other random people who perhaps did not need it as much. Point: internet.

Most recently, Ted Williams, a homeless man with the most illegible sign and silkiest vocal chords in all of Homelesslandia, received his internet boon. A web producer filmed Williams saying radio-y things and then threw it online on a slow news day. Within hours, the world’s ear drums had found a new lover. Since then, Williams has done voice-overs for everything from MSNBC to Kraft Dinner, appeared on The Early Show and Jimmy Fallon, and been offered a job and a house by the Cleveland Cavaliers. The internet literally scored this man a house.

So kudos, internet. You may be overloaded with cuss words and outdated Sad Keanu memes, and recent studies may suggest that you have a deleterious effect on our creative thinking skills and ability to follow an ar – hey look!

see more Gifs

Ha ha ha, bears. They don’t know what’s up. Ok what? Oh yes. But as long as you keep throwing us the occasional philanthropic bone, internet, I think we’ll hang on to you.