By Nathaniel Moher
All right readers, as most of you know, I want nothing more than to get off this God-forsaken Earth. I mean, the Earth is dying, and I think we all know who’s to blame. That’s right — Mother Earth.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “But, Natty, isn’t it our fault for burning all those fossil fuels and creating all that pollution?!” But I ask you, if Mother Earth didn’t want us to burn fossil fuels to drive around her why did she:
1) put all those fossil fuels deep down in the ground where we would inevitably find them and,
2) make herself so big that we need to burn fossil fuels to get around her?
All I’m saying is if Mother Earth hadn’t wanted us to kill her with fossil fuels she wouldn’t have:
1) created them, and
2) been so big.
It’s like someone hiding a loaded gun in their house, you looking really hard for it, finding it, and then shooting them with it. Why would they have that gun if they didn’t want you to shoot them with it?!
Anyway, lucky for us (and by “us” I mean “me,” because, let’s be honest, most of you aren’t important enough to warrant getting off this God-forsaken Earth), there are many people working on getting us (again “me”) off this God-forsaken Earth.
First up, there’ a group of scientists working on a spaceship, called Icarus, that roughly 500 humans could live on … permanently. And it’s only going to take 100 years to make. Now, as you’re all aware, I’m no mathematologist (mainly because I don’t like things that aren’t subjective), but if the current population of the world is 7 billion people, in 100 years we can estimate that the population will be . . . well, extinct, if you believe microbiologist Frank Fenner, but otherwise . . . 15 billion people (give or take one or two).
Again, I’m no mathematologist, but if each Icarus can only hold 500 people, and the population of the Earth will be 15 billion in 100 years, then we’re going to need to build … a crapload of Icaruses (“a crapload” is the scientific term for 30 million).
So, since we’re going to need to build 30 million Icaruses to save all the humans, I think it’s on to the next option.
Billionaire (and probably mad scientist) Elon Musk says that by the year 2020 his company, Space X (which, honestly, sounds pretty mad-scientisty) will be able to move people to Mars. And it will only cost you $500,000. Now, if for some reason you don’t have an extra $500,000 just sitting around, there’s no need to worry. You’ll be allowed to stay on Earth until it dies … taking you along with it. And all for the low, low price of probably being enslaved by those of us lucky enough (and by “lucky” I mean “wealthy”) to get to go live on Mars!
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “But, Natty, what about Newt Gingrich’s planned 2020 moon base?” And that’s a very valid question.
The problem with that is Newt has been pretty quiet about the whole matter since he didn’t get elected president, so I think it’s pretty safe to assume that the 2020 moon base is still on track.
I mean, you know what they say: “No news is good news.” So the good news is we will be choosing between living on the moon or Mars by 2020 (and, of course, by “we” I mean “we, the wealthy few”)!
Nathaniel Moher is an award-winning TV writer and screenwriter living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
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