By Nathaniel Moher
Recently I discussed how North Korea held the perfect election, with 100 per cent of voters turning out and voting for the same person (who, yes, was also the ONLY person on the ballot . . . which I think makes things less confusing for people, and that’s why they want to turn out and vote). I also pointed out just how little people in Canada (and, of course, the United States) care to show up and vote.
I may also have made the point that in North Korea, if you don’t turn out to vote (and vote for the only guy on the ballot), you’ll probably get killed (and by “probably” I mean “definitely”). This may also have led to me making the argument that we don’t kill people in Canada who don’t vote and this is most definitely the reason we only get a 60 per cent turnout in our country. (They also don’t kill people in the United States, which leads to a 50 per cent turnout rate), and that maybe it was time we started killing the people who don’t vote.
Which brings me to this: I was recently reading about the election in Afghanistan, another country that I’m terrified of (which, let’s be honest, includes any country that’s not in a position to establish a moon base — because all other countries are doomed . . . even though I was wrong about the apocalypse the other week. Seriously, thanks for coming and letting me out, Todd, you’re a pal), and how voter turnout for that election was also 60 per cent. And you can be sure that I was about to use this to back up my theory that we need to kill people who don’t vote (but not you, Todd, you’re a buddy!).
But then I found out that people got killed for voting! Like, actually. Like, people were blown up for going out and voting . . . and even so, the same percentage of people went out and voted in Afghanistan as came out to vote in Canada.
Just to make things clear for you: In Canada, where we don’t get killed for voting, or for not voting, 60 per cent of voters got out to vote. In Afghanistan, where people are literally blown up for going out and voting, 60 per cent of voters got out to vote.
That’s the same percentage of people in both places.
That’s crazy!
So, listen up, here’s my new proposal. I’m not going to get crazy on you. I know we’re not as perfect as the perfect People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea (unless of course Harps takes me up on this whole killing people who don’t vote thing), but what I’d like to suggest is that we get try to get a higher voter turnout than the place where people literally get blown up for voting. Why? Because we don’t get blown up for voting.
For instance, next time we have an election, let’s try to get around 75 per cent of people out to vote. Now, I know that’s an increase of 15 per cent, but keep in mind: There’s a place in the world where people literally get blown up if they go out and vote and the same percentage of people turned out to vote as did in our last election.
So, maybe we don’t need to kill anyone who doesn’t vote, but I think we should be just as brave as the groups of people in the world who are literally dying for a right that we all seem to take so lightly.
Although, if we do let Harps win again, we’ve probably sealed our fates . . . what with him being a robot and wanting to blow up everyone.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
