All right, truth time, when my editor finally got ahold of me, I was about half-way through a case of Jim Beam.
It turns out, just because the American government has decided it doesn’t need to work, doesn’t mean I get to skip work and drink like it’s literally the end of the world and we shouldn’t care anymore! Apparently I have to be a “better role model” than our elected officials.
But, if we can’t look to our elected officials for guidance on how to live our lives, then who do we look to? My parents? No thank you, those guys are deadbeats!
Alas, this Jim Beam doesn’t pay for itself (actually . . . it does. Jim Beam just sends me crates of this stuff – for no reason), so I guess I must write.
So . . . on to the recent, temporarily over US government shutdown.
A lot of people think that the GOP shot itself in the foot by causing this government shutdown. (Fox News on the other hand doesn’t believe the GOP caused the government shutdown . . . they also believe they’re a real news source.) They think that by trying to force the Democrats to defund Obamacare by shutting down the government, the GOP will never see power again. But I’m here to tell you how wrong that is.
Look, what do the Republicans stand for more than anything? No abortions.
But what do they stand for more than anything after no abortions? No gays.
But third? What’s the third thing they stand for more than anything? No government.
That’s right, the GOP hates government. They want government out of your life, out of your bank account, and out of your country! And that’s exactly what they got during the shutdown. No government.
But, by shutting down the government they also showed the American people that having no government isn’t that bad.
Sure, some services were suspended, but really, who needs to go to parks and monuments? Look, I don’t know if you’ve ever met anyone, but people don’t like going outside anymore . . . unless it’s to go through the McDonald’s drive-thru.
They have video games, and Facebook, and Google maps. Who needs to go outside when you can just look at outside on the internet?
And sure, when the FDA is all but shut down, you might not want to eat any fast foods (seriously . . . put that double cheeseburger down, it’s probably full of E. coli). And yeah, the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children was closed, so some people literally weren’t going to have any food to eat. But I mean, it was just women and children, neither of whom have the vote.
And soon the GOP will have achieved their goal of proving to the American people that they don’t need government. And once they’ve done that, it’s on to the presidency for them.
So, there’s only one thing the Democrats can do to ensure they keep winning the presidency . . . defund Obamacare! Because if the government is shut down again, next time people will really realize they have no need for the government . . . and then the GOP has won!
At which point they will use their government power to step in and tell you you can’t have abortions or be gay.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.