By Nathaniel Moher
Dear loyal readers, I’m sure most of you would like to thank me for all one hundred of the articles I’ve written over the last four years, and so you should. Assuming you just did, I’d like to say, “You’re welcome!”
One hundred articles ago, if you had asked me if I’d make it to one hundred articles, I would have said, “Yes. Of course I will. Because I don’t give up on things. Except on you. I’ve given up on you ever having a clue. Now get out of my face!” And it turns out I would have been right . . . like I always am!
So, in a celebration of me, backofthebook.ca decided to reach out to some of my favourite news subjects, to get quotes about me!
Queen Elizabeth II: “Chip, chip, cheerio. Congratulations to my royal subject, Nathaniel Moher, who . . . wait! What? He’s Canadian? So none of his tax dollars go to supporting this lifestyle to which my family and I have become accustomed? Doesn’t he know we have a new mouth to feed? Well, tell him to go f**k himself. Now, bring me another peasant to kick! And then tell Charles he can finally be King . . . haha, just kidding . . . tell Charles he can go f**k himself too!”
Stephen “Harps” Harper: “Beep. Beep. Boop. When I was asked to comment on the one hundredth A Modest Opinion, my internal emotions chip informed me that I was moved and honoured to do so. Nathaniel is our generation’s . . . error . . . error . . . corrupt memory file . . . and I wish him the best of luck in the future . . . which he will need once the robot overlords have taken over and begin to feed on human flesh.
President Obama: “Who? Nathaniel Moher? Sure, whatever, kill him with a drone.”
Justin Trudeau: “Oooh, man! I love getting high and reading Natty’s article . . . and then eating onion rings . . . and Cheetos . . . and a pint of cookie-dough ice cream . . . and . . . and! . . . oh, man . . . what was I talking about? . . . Weed, right? Heh, I LOVE WEED!”
PRISM: “Dear Nathaniel, please respond to your mother’s email. She worries about you.”
Jim Beam Spokesperson: “We applaud Nathaniel on reaching his one hundredth article. And thank him, because his consumption of Jim Beam while working on all one hundred of those articles has help keep us in business for the last four years. Here’s to one hundred more . . . and thousands of more bottles of Jim Beam consumed. Please drink responsibly.”
Natty’s Ex-Girlfriend: “Seriously? I’ve told you guys time and time before, I do not want to talk about Natty. I can’t believe he’s still doing this shit! NATTY! I. DO. NOT. LOVE. YOU. ANYMORE! Get over it!”
Natty’s Dad: “Who?”
Abraham Lincoln: “This letter will make sense to none of you, but seven score and eight years from now, Nathaniel Moher will have written his one hundredth A Modest Opinion, and on that occasion I, Abraham Lincoln, would like to be the first to congratulate him. And if he puts me at the end of his article, well, he can go f**k himself!”
And there you have it, just a few of the many nice things famous people had to say about me. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. In fact, I’ve decided that backofthebook.ca should run my article 50 times a week, so every other week we can get some nice comments about me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go celebrate with a tall, cold glass of Jim Beam!
[Editors Note: backofthebook.ca could not confirm that any of these statements are true or correct — except for the one from Natty’s Ex-Girlfriend, whose lawyer confirmed those were in fact her words. And then told us to go f**k ourselves.]
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.