Guys, things are getting real in the world right now, and I’m not just talking about the controversial end to “Big Brother Canada .” (Can you believe they wouldn’t let Brady re-vote after she accidentally voted for MacLaughlin instead of Levy? I mean, writing a name on a card is really hard to do you guys!) No, I’m talking about Syria.
For those of you not in the know like me (I read and stuff . . . well, I have people who read for me and then tell me about it), Syria has been in a civil war for the last two years (although it hasn’t been all that civil, seeing as how they’ve been shooting at each other and things . . . what’s civil about that?). But, things took a step up earlier this month when Israel went and launched two strikes against some missiles they claim were going to being delivered to Hezbollah.
This recent activity has got me to thinking. There are a lot of wars going on in the world. Like way too many wars. The USA is fighting at least 12 right now (granted, that is a guesstimate on my part . . . probably a low guesstimate at that). And, as I have an advance certificate in Problem Solving from the Donald Trump School of Business and Investigation, my thinking has led to a solution.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: We all want “world peace.” And you’re only half wrong. First, you have to think, “Why are there so many wars?” The answer: too many cooks in the kitchen (or, too many power-hungry people in the bomb launching room). So, how do you solve this problem? That’s right, only have one cook in the bomb launching room. I’m talking one world leader.
If there’s only one guy in the bomb launching room, he has no one to launch bombs at. I mean, he’s not going to launch bombs at his own country, that’d be crazy! Governments don’t attack their own people.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Natty, how do we accomplish something that the Illuminati has failed to achieve all these years?” The answer is quite simple. So simple, in fact, that it’s been right in front our eyes this whole time.
Let’s just let everyone fight it out; winner takes all.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be terrible for a bit (for longer than a bit, probably). A ton of people are going to die. A lot of the world will probably not even be livable anymore, what with all the nuclear weapons going off. It’s going to be a hell on Earth (literally; fire will be falling from the skies). But, once the nuclear dust clouds settle, we’ll have one world government and everything will be peachy (and peacey).
Now, I once again know what you’re thinking: “But, Natty, all great empires fall. Just look at Rome. What is going to keep your world-wide empire from falling?”
Well, let’s just think about Rome for a second. Why did Rome fall? Now, I’m no historian, but I assume it’s because other countries still existed. If Rome had succeeded in taking over the whole world, they’d still be in power (and it’d still be cool for me to wear a robe all the time!).
Obviously the one downside to this plan is a slight chance that during our one last war to end all wars . . . we could destroy the whole world. Which, on the surface sounds pretty terrible, but, on the not-surface, it would also end all wars . . . because there’d be no one left to fight wars with.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but if there was any other way to end war, I’d suggest it. But there isn’t.
War = Peace. So, I say, let’s all fight each other until there’s no one left to fight.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.