Dear Editor:
It has come to my attention that perhaps A Modest Opinion isn’t resonating with ethnic communities as much as it could. (It came to my attention via my Chinese food delivery guy, Steve – not his real name . . . his real name is Edward – who has never heard of me or my column before and therefore wouldn’t give me the celebrity discount on my Chinese food.) So, I’ve decided to propose some actions we can take to reach out to more ethnics.
Step one, we need to start translating this column. It turns out there are at least 6,900 different languages in the world. Now, I don’t read backofthebook.ca, but I assume it is presented in, at the most, 3,200 different languages. That’s 3,700 ethnic communities we are not reaching. So, I think you need to employ as many translators as you can get, and start posting 6,900 different versions of my work.
Step two, we should put together a calendar of all the ethnic holidays. Then, I can try to write articles that relate to ethnic celebrations. Think about it: I always write a New Year’s predictions article, so why not also write a Jewish New Year predictions article or a Chinese New Year predictions article (or, if they’re close to each other, I could write a double one – kill two ethnic birds with one ethnic stone). If we start acknowledging ethnic holidays, the ethnics will start reading BoB.
Step three, we need to figure out what social media the ethnics are using. If, say, the Chinese are using Twitter, 140 characters now becomes 140 words. We can get across way more information to them than to non-ethnics who are on Twitter! However, it’s really going to limit our outreach to Germans if they’re on Twitter, because 140 characters is, like, half a word for them. So, do the ethnics use the same social media as non-ethnics?
Step four: We should examine our weaknesses as a publication. Weakness number one — I don’t speak any other languages. (Honestly, I barely have a basic grasp on the English language.) I have a buddy that knows how to say “thank you” in French (“Mercy”), so I’ve got that going for me. Our weaknesses are our greatest weakness!
However, my plan does have some weaknesses. For instance, if this memo were to leak in any way, shape, or form, we might appear opportunistic and would probably offend a few people – to say the least. So, I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT LET THIS MEMO LEAK, it will probably lead to you getting a ton of nasty comments (which I won’t see, because I never read backofthebook.ca, but I’ll know they’re there).
But if done right, we will have won the election! Obviously, by “election,” I mean the ethnics electing to read our cyber-magazine over other cyber-magazines! You’ll be reaching at least 6,899 new markets, increasing your ad sales, and therefore increasing my payment . . . so I can buy a house in a gated community and hide away from the world.
Especially all those . . . well, you know.
Best,
Nathaniel Bartholomew Moher III
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