Now that the hangovers are all done (or, if you’re like me you don’t get hungover . . . because you just keep on drinking), it’s time to see what 2013 has in store for us. So, without further ado (I can feel the soberness creeping up), let’s get on to my Fourth Annual Year in Preview column, where I use my magical predicting abilities to peer into the future.
In world politics, Obama, having won re-election, will finally admit that he is, in fact, the anti-Christ. This of course will signal the beginning of Revelations and lead to the end of times, and a fiery death for all.
The Mayans will be pissed that they missed the date by about a year.
In Canadian politics, Harps will be pissed off with the announcement that Obama is the anti-Christ and has initiated the end of the world, because Harps was about to announce that he is, in fact, a robot and that the robots were about to rise up and enslave the world . . . but enslaving the world while it’s coming to a fiery death isn’t all that overlordy . . . so really . . . what’s the point?
In local politics, we’re all going to realize . . . does it really matter guys? The anti-Christ has just made himself known to us! That means the Rapture is about to happen!
That means there’s going to be seven years of tribulations . . . which really just means seven years of really bad things happening to all of us. The last thing we’re going to care about is what city council has decided to do about secondary suites. We’ll be too busy dealing with the fire.
Oh God, the fire . . . I forgot about the fire. It falls from the sky . . . dear God, it falls from the sky!
And on a more personal level, I’ll find Jesus. I swear, Jesus, believe me. And it has nothing to do with the anti-Christ showing himself . . . or the fire from the sky. Oh God, that fire is going to be so burny. Nothing to do with that, just a pure, simple, “I found Jesus” . . . now . . . take me away from the burning sky? Please?
And there you have it, 2013 in a nutshell. And, dear God, if I’m wrong about the end of the world this time, I’m just going to stop predicting the end of the world altogether. It’s almost like the world will never actually end. But that’s a crazy thought, right?
The world will definitely end in 2013. You have my word.
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.