By Nathaniel Moher
Welcome to part three of Nathaniel Moher’s Guide to Fixing the World!
As any good trilogy does, Nathaniel Moher’s Guide to Fixing the World will have six parts . . . three of which will be completely unreadable and will mostly be done as a money grab. (Well, if we’re being honest, they’re all just a money grab . . . and an excuse to not get a real job – suck it, Dad.)
And, lucky for the world, it’s been a bit of a slow news week (mainly because I have no interest in the God Particle. Not because I don’t believe in God, but because I don’t believe in particles . . . I don’t believe in anything I can’t see – I’m looking at you “air”), so therefore I’ve had time to think up a few new world-saving techniques.
So, let’s jump on in.
Idea 1: Now, I know there’s a lot of anti-global warming talk going on nowadays, but I just wanted to throw this idea at you . . . what if we just let global warming happen? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but since it’s finally gotten sunny out, people are happy. Really happy! Ipso facto, if we just let global warming happen, it’ll be sunny all the time! And people love the sun!
Now, not only will the all-year sunshine solve the problem of everybody being sad all the time (even though my therapist thinks I need “actual” help, and that if I don’t open up I’ll explode one day), it’ll also solve the unemployment problem. Not because it’ll create any new jobs or anything . . . but because people will be happy to not be working, so they can spend more time soaking in the rays.
Plus, all that extra sunscreen income has got to do something to boost the economy – it’s a win/win/win!
Idea 2: You know what’s a drain on society? Drug addicts. So, what if we just make drugs suck? Think about it, if drugs aren’t fun to do anymore . . . then people aren’t going to do drugs. It’s just that simple. No more drug addicts means . . . well, I don’t know, but I feel like I would have way more change in my pockets on a daily basis – and that can only help the economy.
Idea 3: On the flip side . . . what if we just made drugs super awesome . . . and then made them legal and tax them. Think about it, if drugs are not only super awesome to do, but also legal, everyone is going to do them. And if everyone is being taxed on all these super awesome drugs they’re using all the time – we’re laughing (mostly because we’re super high, and everything will be hilarious, but also because we’ve paid off our debt).
Now, obviously Conservatives won’t like this idea . . . you know . . . because they hate taxes, so it’s on to my last idea.
Idea 4: As usual, I like to keep my silliest idea till the end. And, really, I must be pretty drunk to even submit this as an idea (thank you, Jim Beam!), but, what if the political parties pulled their heads out of their asses and started working together. ‘Cause if they worked together, then maybe they could actually make things happen . . . and then, you know . . . things would happen and problems would be fixed.
But who am I kidding? People don’t get along . . . unless they’re people on drugs . . .
But, and I’m about to get real here, so hold onto your brain; Katy Perry just released a 3D movie. All I’m saying is Katy Perry’s boobs in 3D . . . how bad can our world really be?
Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in Vancouver. This column first appeared in The Flying Shingle.
