Don’t just thank Jason Kenney — thank them all

Image: Jason KenneyBy Frank Moher

Jason Kenney, or perhaps someone on his ace staff, has come up with a brilliant idea: hosting a petition on his own website allowing the public to thank him for being such a fine minister. Specifically, the petition invites you to thank Jason for “his efforts to streamline benefits afforded to refugees [sic] claimants under the Interim Federal Health Program (IFHP) and bring them in line with the benefits received by tax-paying Canadians, including new Canadians.”

Very thoughtful. How otherwise would we have an opportunity to thank Mr. Kenney for ensuring that, as the doctor in this video puts it, “refugees from war-torn countries, fleeing hatred, fleeing crimes against humanity” will have as difficult a time as possible once they get here. In fact, the strategy is so fine that I have come up with a series of other petitions that I would recommend Conservative MPs mount on their websites. (The petition allowing you to thank me for doing so will be up shortly.)

Recommended for Vic Toews’ website: “Thankyou for being so over-the-top in pushing Bill C-30, your online surveillance bill, that we quickly learned all about your spectacularly sleazy personal life. Such openness in politics is rare these days.”

For Dean Del Mastro’s website: “Thankyou for having a cousin who offered to pay his employees to donate to your campaign so that we have a better idea of the gene pool from which you came.”

For Tony Clement’s website: “Thankyou for using $100,000 of the G8/G20 money to build a gazebo in your riding. Now we know, despite all the tweeting you do, that you’re really just an old-fashioned politician after all.”

For Bev Oda’s website: “We know you’re not a minister anymore, but we’d like to thank you anyway for insisting on staying at The Savoy Hotel when you were last in London, rather than the measly five-star hotel your staff had lined-up for you. How else are we to know what hotels we can’t afford to stay at the next time we can’t afford to take a trip to London? Thanks also for expensing an air-purifier for your Parliament Hill office so that you could smoke in it. This tells us conclusively that the rules don’t apply to the Tories.”

Additionally recommended for Jason Kenney’s website: “Thankyou also for changing the language requirements for immigration, so that we’ll only get people from English-speaking countries, and not people who are, you know, way different than us. Actually, we’re not so sure about Australians. Could you figure out a way to keep them out too?”

For Stephen Harper’s website: “Thankyou for appointing all these people as ministers, so that we have a better idea of the depth of talent in your party.”

For the websites of any and all Conservative MPs: “Thankyou for voting for Bill C-38, and demonstrating that you’d pretty much agree to send your own mother to Auschwitz if Stephen Harper told you to. This reassures us that, even if the entire Conservative cabinet has to follow Ms. Oda out the door because of their awesomeness, there’s more where they came from.”

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