All right, it’s been about three months since I offered up my first batch of suggestions for how we can fix the world, and it appears none of them have been implemented. (Seriously ABC, “Charlie’s Angels” is the next . . . “Charlie’s Angels.” It’ll spawn five seasons, two movies, and a reboot series if you just give it a shot. (It’ll also spawn a deliciously good porn parody, “Charlie’s Angels: XXX.” [Porns aren’t really known for their clever titles . . . but the boobies, oh my!])
Luckily for the world though, I’m back with more suggestions on how we can fix everything (also, luckily for them it was a slow news week. Seriously Canada, nothing is going on. I was so bored with this country, I was this close to supporting Brigette DePape’s idiotic call for an Arab Spring in Canada. Then I remembered she’s an idiot).
Idea 1: Give Obama four more years. I know, he wasn’t able to turn America around in the three he’s already had, but can you blame him? Bush didn’t really leave him with a diamond of a country. He kind of left him with a piece of coal . . . covered in poop . . . on fire. So, give the man some time to turn that flaming turd of a piece of coal into a diamond. Plus, your only other options are Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum. You really want either of them running the place? Just Google “Santorum” — you won’t want to elect him after that.
Idea 2: If all the rich people in the world actually control as much of the wealth as these hippies claim they do, why don’t they pool all that money together and start giving all the poor people allowances? Or, rich people: just pool, like, 20 per cent of your money together. That’s like, what, a polo party for you guys? Or the cost of one of your private islands? It’ll be like poor people actually have jobs, but because this generation is as lazy and entitled as they seem to be, they won’t have to have “demeaning” jobs, but do the much more noble action of accepting money for nothing . . . you know, like our grandparents did when they moved to this country.
Idea 3: I’m just going to put this out there for you guys to think on . . . porn . . . more of it . . . for everyone . . . you get what I’m saying.
Idea 4: Now, as usual, I’ve saved my craziest of all ideas for the last. I even feel silly for suggesting it. But, what if we were to move all the funds that are going towards wars and keeping those oil rich countries from building nuclear weapons, and instead put that funding into alternate fuel sources. I know it’s crazy, but maybe that will end our reliance on their oil, thus crippling their economies and making it really hard for them to fund those expensive nuclear weapons (which will, in turn, make it really hard for them to shoot them at us). But, you know, that’s just crazy . . . right?
Listen, I have a degree in World Fixing from whatever Ivy League college sounds most impressive to you (not because I’m too lazy to look up one to impress you, but because I literally have a degree in World Fixing from every Ivy League college [and one state school too.]) So just do as I say and we’ll be living in a utopia. I swear!
Or don’t, and live in a crap-hole of a world (also one void of hot girls fighting bad guys — thanks ABC!).
– Nathaniel Moher is a television writer living in vancouver