By Rachel Krueger
This will come as a surprise to exactly no one, but Avatar is hella awesome. I know! Breaking news, right? But despite its fancy director and budget and cast (Sigourney! Weaver!), Avatar is actually something of an underdog.
I mean, think of ALL THE THINGS about it that are stupid! It’s essentially Dances with Wolves re-imagined with blue, feliney Yao Mings! In space! 67% of the dialogue is ham-fisted voice-over! The unobtainable metal is called . . . “unobtanium” (with, granted, a stupefying but verisimilitudinous lack of imagination. See real-life examples: Californium and Einsteinium)!
THIS IS ITS TEASER TRAILER!!!:
Remember when that came out? And the intranets were agog with WTFs and OMGs and LOL y are thoze ppl naked n blue!?!? How hard did you think Avatar was going to suck, and how much were you not going to see it (or maybe going to see it with a bunch of friends drunk at the cheap theaters, and then make fun of it later)? SO MUCH, right?
But that is part of the marketing genius, because you were wrong, bitchez! You are going to see it, and you will see it sober and you will pay top-dollar to see it in 3D and you will wait in line outside the theater for two hours weeks after opening day just so you don’t get front-row-neck-breaky seats. You will marvel at the Planet-Earth-goes-clubbing scenery, you will want your own fluorescently tie-dyed bat-bird, you will weep when (here be spoilers) that Really Important Tree a-splodes. You will luv eet, and you will luv eet ALL THE MORE because of how much you thought you were going to steal its lunch money and push it down the stairs.
Damn you, James Cameron, you’ve done it again. You’ve taken something that should be idiotic (at the end of this three-hour movie, everyone will drown, but the audience will know that going in because it is a Major Historical Event) and voodoo’d it into something sort of rad. I tip the hat.